Saturday, September 22, 2007

It has been over a month and I find myself drawn back to writing here. My divorce was finalized this past Thursday which I am happy and sad about. Moreover, my ex has moved onto a "serious" relationship with a woman that I know and for some reason I cannot get them out of my head. I have done my yoga and meditation and then took a nap and when I woke it was like all this oppressive energy was pushing down on me saying, "He's happy, he's loved, he's not alone... and you are..." Ugh. I am so goddamn lonely and I have no idea what I need. I spent last night on my bathroom floor in tears just begging to feel differently... begging for the pain to come to an end. I am no longer in love with Kevin, I don't want to be with him, but there is still something about how all these things have transpired that is in my heart and it feels like it is eating me alive. My therapist thinks it's depression... I'm not so sure. It is so palpable, like I am incapable of completely letting this go even though I want to and am doing everything in my power to do so. I almost feel like the butt of a very bad cosmic joke. I work, I go to class, I hang out with a few friends, I do yoga, I do art but eventually on a daily basis I experience a very real and very obvious aloneness and when I am in that aloneness, all I want is to experience a feeling of peace, but what comes to me instead is intrusive images of my ex and his new girlfriend, laughing and loving and expressing every sign of outward happiness and the images just drive me down down down....

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Early Morning....

Once again another overnight shift has me up at 6am, waiting for the guys to wake up. It will be a hectic morning for sure, and a hectic day to follow with a family barbeque to contend with only five hours of interrupted sleep to hold me over. The train is going by now, it's the morning frieght and even after over a year of working here I have not gotten used to it's loudness in the early morning, the horn so disruptive.

This week was a killer. My birthday came and went and I survived is the best I can say about it. It's funny how when going through a divorce, even when you have emotionally moved on from that person the smallest of their neglects magnify to extreme proportions and seem to throw the whole healing process off kilter. When I suppose, that is what the healing process is to begin with. A balancing act, like the Tarot card Adjustment, with the woman standing balanced perfected on the tip of a sword. ... Anyway needless to say, Kevin forgot my birthday and the hurt of that still sits very deep in my heart. I am angry as hell.. another stage of the healing process which my grandmother is very fond of but at the same time, I have new soul in my life who is making things just a bit easier for me. He is kind to me and allows me to be kind to myself. This is such a volatile time that it is very comforting to know that there are still some men in the world who are very present and aware....

that's all for now, steeped in mystery I know.... starting to think about Just Be in October, only 2 months away now, are any of you lovelies attending??

In love and light,

Friday, July 20, 2007

Friday …Friday, oh the drama that has ensued this week. I suppose that anytime there is a divorce on the table there is drama, but this seems ridiculous. I spent one night this week in the ER comforting my ex as he was diagnosed with some weird infection only for him to turn around and be his same old moody self the next day. AND THEN (and here is the big one people) I had an endoscopy yesterday where they took 8 biopisis of my stomach and esophagus and Kevin decided that while I was sedated and in the recovery room he would ask me if I was okay with him asking someone out on a date…. Are you fucking kidding me? What an ass! SO I asked him to go wait in the waiting room and later in the day when I was feeling better I told him that I needed space from him, that I didn’t feel he knew how to talk to or treat me appropriately and until he figured out how to do that I didn’t want him around. Oh an in all the conversation it turned out he really has already asked this girl out and she is only 20 years old… smart move on his part and I am sure this will be great for his sobriety (I say with my most sarcastic tone) Then he tells me this morning that he is finally getting around to filing the divorce papers today.

Wow… after all that all I am say is Thank God I am Out ! My feelings today run the gamut from rage to amusement to anxiety but all in all I just kinda feel like he can do what he wants just keep it away from me. That man is Toxic!


Monday, July 16, 2007

So the move was a complete disaster with a capitol D! After dealing wit a staffing crisis at work we managed to get the truck loaded up just in time for the skies to open up and release the downpour from hell. My bed took on about 10 pounds of water…. UGH My bed is like my island of safety and anxiety free zone…. Unbelievable! So now my bed is propped over the frame with fans blowing at it trying to get the damn thing to dry out and I am sleeping on a air mattress in the other room.. Wonderful way to start off a new place without my ex for the first time in 5 years wouldn’t you say?

BUT after all that drama I did manage to get a decent night of sleep and work up and am at work for the day. I am here till 4p then I need to get my car registered and then back to the very cluttered and unmanageable apartment. I can’t really unpack anything until the bed situation is taken care of as I am using rooms for things other than their original intention. Plus the bed drying process is taking up a lot of space.

The positive: I really enjoyed going out to my car this morning at 6:30 to the view of the golf course and the sun making everything so cheery. I did manage to get my bathroom set up so I am not slowed down getting to work.

Now… I need all the positive energy I can get on this bed situation .. Any advice, similar experiences ect.. My sister has a steam cleaner that I can use once it does dry out to kill anything that might be growing inside… I shudder at the thought.

Okay back to work… the other bummer, no internet at home until the end of the month so I can only post when I am at work.. Which is a little hectic.. Thank god for wireless!

Thank you to all who are offering support, I will visit each and everyone of you as time allows and my situation settles day by day.

In love and light,

Monday, July 09, 2007

I would say that I am slightly more positive today. I went and saw an apartment this morning which I decided to take. I will need to work a lot of extra hours to afford it but I think it is the ideal place for me to heal. It is a one bedroom but I am going to use the livingroom as my bedroom and the bedroom as an art studio. It will be the first apartment I have ever had as my own and I am filled with apprehension but excitement as well. I was very anxious about it today but now that I am back at work (doing another overnight) and I worked up a budget so I know what I am actually looking at I feel more confidence in my choice.

I am still increadibly sad as this truly marks the end of Kevin and I living together which has been a five year journey and I am sad to let it go, but this move is going to be much healthier for me. I just wish I could set aside the anxiety and the loneliness.... those are truly the pieces that are getting in my way now.

Will I date again? Will I find epic love or someone who truly truly understands me? Or am I destined to be broken and lonely? My views and perspectives on sex make me very different from most people, so I am told. It is not a very important piece to me. I have several medical issues that make it difficult and my sex drive is just low, it's just the way that I am. But I keep hearing that the only way to make a relationship work is to have a thriving sex life... while I have just lost my best friend and my marriage and I think alot of it has to do with my shortcomings in that area. I am fearful that there isn't anybody else out there like me that puts more value into my soul and my spirit, than my ability to fulfill their sexual needs. I am an amazingly complex woman with so much to offer and I just can't understand this sense of rejection I feel because I am "different" or "challenged" in this one area of life.

It makes me sad....


Sunday, July 08, 2007

So it has been awhile scince my last post... the reason for that is quite sad actually. I am getting divorced. My husband and I made the quasi-mutual decision that this is what is best for both of us after 2 years of marriage. I do agree that this is whats best however, I am having a very hard time letting go... never has been one of my strong points. I have been unhappy for so long but have been working so hard in therapy to fix myself, fix my marriage, fix everything, make everything okay again and now it is all over.... well the fixing anyway.
I know all the logical things that people say, it's time to focus on loving myself and healing myself and I know that I am better off on my own than with a man who no longer loves me.. I know all the "stuff" What I don't know if why when I understand and believe all of these things it feels like my heart breaks again on a daily basis. I don't want to hear anymore about how it just takes time and that things will get better.... I just dont want to feel like this anymore.
I am working an overnight tonight and then looking at an apartment for myself in the morning which is a bit out of my price range but I feel cosmically drawn to it somehow and the way I figure it even if it is a bit pricey I only sign a year lease and a year from now I am going to be in a much better headspace to find something better.... I am working a lot of hours, which is good as my job nourishes me.. and I need the $$ I am working out almost everyday and eating a lot healthier.. Kevin has been gone for exactly a week and I already see myself making very positive changes that I found really challenging when I was with Kevin which is great... if it weren't for the dull acheing heart, constant anxiety and deep seated loneliness that I experience without a moments notice no matter where I am or who I am around and it seems like the only person on the planet that can possibly make those feelings go away is the man who told me he is no longer in love with me. All the logical thinking in the world can't help me here. I am trying to find the strength to reach out in any forum that I can for support in any way people are able to give it... care packages, loving comments, book reccommendations, anything that helps me feel connected again... it has only been a week but it feels like it has been a lifetime. Thank you in advance for any support that can be offered and please be patient with my blogging, I am tryin to do things as they feel right and there are days when nothing feels right including blogging....


Monday, June 18, 2007

I had to fire someone today......

ugh. That pretty much sums up my day. Two of my employees gave their notices last week as they are going back to school, and then today I lost another. WHICH means in a little under two weeks I am back to working 60 hours a week again. I know I can handle it as this is what my summer looked like last year and I am much better prepared this time around but it doesnt make it less frustrating. Between work and nana and trying to get back into college and trying to make some sense out of the mess that is my marriage it seems that it just never lets up! I haven't created anything in weeks. Mostly because I am so tired and it is tooooo hot in my studio space to do much of anything. I have been collecting images for my soul collage workshop in the fall at Just Be Connected... which is like my life raft right now! I am trying to think of all of the overtime as more money I can spend on all the wonderful artsy things being offered at the conference.

I think I would feel better if I had more artsy friends to spend some time (what time??) with here. I have heard that there is a group "Wicked Stitch" ( hey I'm from Maine ) that meets at the local coffee shop that I may check out this week. Perhaps that will lift me up a bit. I have also been trying out meditation with this Gaiam dvd that I checked out of the library and of course reading Simple Abundance but I still feel stagnate. I was talking with one of the men that I care for today about how challenging it is to figure out what I really want in life right now. Most of my employees are 21, 22 and are all in college and graduating, getting married and what not. I am going to be 29 in August and I am sick of college life. I love taking classes and all but not the livestyle that goes along with it. I want to have a home, a real family, some peace... I guess really ultimately I just want to be more setteled and have some peace, unfortunately my husband and I are not on the same page. He graduates in December but then wants to pay off some loans and perhaps go back to school and maybe think about buying a house in 5 or so years.... I mean come on now. Does this seem a bit ridiculous to any body else? Sometimes I feel like he lives his life just for him and his own agenda and I live a life that is about us. I know we have our problems but I guess this piece is really under my skin... I want to move forward and I feel stuck...


Saturday, June 02, 2007

Riddled with confusion and emotion. I have been told by many sources over the last couple of months that a time will come shortly where I will be forced to release some of the toxic emotions that I have carried with me for years from my troubled childhood and the assault and the alcholism and eating disorder and all the complicated years. It seems the harder I strive towards peace with my new daily yoga practice and establishing a relationship with my nana, I find myself withdrawing deeper and deeper within myself. I am finding it hard to connect with people that I normally have no problem connecting with... I feel like... I guess the problem is that I don't really recognize these feelings. There is an aroma of anger and hurt but it is not accompanied by the normal depression it's like there is something growing inside of me and it is big and it is scary and it is something it seems only I can understand.
SOOOOOOOOOO in dealing with all of these tornadoes of emotion I find myself singing along with Tori Amos at the top of my lungs. Normally in my highly emotional states I need to create things in order to feel better but now I have no desire to create anything... it's like I need a larger physical involvement with my expression.

Can anyone relate?


Sunday, May 27, 2007

And now it is time for a recap of my now ending vacation. I am feeling a bit anxious about going back to work, I could use another week of vacation. I definitely did not get all the rest that I needed and anticipated and yet it was a pretty full and productive week.
I saw my nana for the first time in 12 years which was actually much more emotional than I anticipated. She is an absolutely lovely woman and I am exstatic to have an opportunity to build a relationship with her, even so late in her life. Complicated family circumstances have kept us seperated over the years and I feel I have a lot of time to make up for. Beyond spending time with nana I had several doctors appointments. They are still trying to figure out what is going on with my system. I had an ultrasound and everything there came back fine but now I have to have an endoscopy and stomach biaopsy which I am not looking forward to but alas, what can you do. Now, to explain my budda here, I went antiquing for the first time as inspired by Artsymama's blog, ( you can check her and her fabulousness out here.) I came upon this stone carved budda and he just spoke to me so I had to take him home and he has been watching over me this week keeping my anxiety level down and I am ever so grateful to him! I have also been able to do a lot of yoga and crafting this week. I took a beading class yesterday to make this. and I have been working on it all week. Okay now I have an underline and I have no idea how to get rid of it! I was all impressed with myself because I finally figured out how to put links into my blog entries and now I am stuck in underline land.... I am sooooo not tech saavy!


Wednesday, May 09, 2007

A Rough Night....

I am trying to sleep but unfortunately plaqued by anxiety tonight and unable to. I am weary in body and mind from working so hard over the last year. My vacation is coming up in two weeks and can't get here soon enough. I have never experienced this level of, well it's almost emptiness like I just have nothing left to give my job right now. I could sleep 16 hours a day and it wouldn't be enough to recover and feel recharged again. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. It is just so emotionally demanding and all encompassing and I need a real break.
The trigger for my anxiety tonight was a staff person getting sick and potentially unable to work tommorow. It is so frustrating to have people call out. I know stuff comes up and I am normally tremendously compassionate and accomodating to my staff but again, I just feel like I have nothing left to give and the thought of having to deal with extra aggravation... well it makes me anxious.
I don't know how many of you out there experience anxiety on a regular basis. It is an increadibly frustrating thing to deal with. Anxiety is a truly physical experience for me and detracts me from the things I am doing. I cant concentrate, I cant relax I just get stuck in these perpetual loops. That combined with my absolute weariness to the bone leaves me in quite a state as I am sure you can imagine.

I long for peace of mind


Friday, May 04, 2007

I am actually having a chance to work in my studio and on my computer today... it's a rarity these days between work, my husband and his stress with school, my nana's new diagnosis of Alzeimers disease and on and on and on we can go. But enough of that, I am in a cheery and creative mood tonight so that is what I am going to celebrate!
I have a new book to review. Pretty Little Mistakes by Heather McElhatton is my newest obsession. It is remeniscent of the "Choose your own adventure" books of our youth but very much written for adults. It has been such an exciting journey to explore the book and I reccommend it to all of you as a fun escape as well as a trigger for some very powerful introspective moments. This is Heather's first book and just came out days ago so I encourge you to check it out!
I am playing with a new piece in my studio (or corner of the tuna can sized apartment is what I should really call the space. I am using a new crackle medium and am not too sure of my affection for it just yet. In any case back to playing for a bit I do believe.

Talk soon!

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Can you maintain cynicism and reach enlightenment?

I have continued in the perpetual struggle of accepting myself and living from a place of light an love. One of the things that I have viewed as getting in my way is my cynicsm and sarcasm. I have decided that I am not going to say farwell to these deep routed personality traits. Perhaps they are part of the sheid I use to protect myself from the world, but you know the ultimate goal here is not to be vulnerable but to be comfortable and for comfort I think we must all maintain some protection from the world. My cynicsm can sometimes stand in my way but perhaps rather than wishing it away I should make friends with it and learn to understand it and use it when it serves me and put it in my back pocket when it is getting in my way. ( holy run on sentence much? ) (oops! there's that sarcasm again) I need to recognize that I am a unique individual and I am not going to travel the same paths in the same way as anyone before me. I am forging into unknown territory of actually listening to what the universe is telling me and acting on... what's that word, oh yeah, FAITH (thank you dear ryan-you are my beacon of light)

So ALL that being said after spending the ENTIRE day in front of the television helping a poor soul nurse himself back from a hangover I drove home and I listened to what I had been told just last night. My focus is to be moving my body. The answers are in the exercise. As much as my spoiled brat cynical side whined and moaned I just worked my ass off for an hour and I feel just wonderful.

I close this entry with the announcement that in this moment I feel a great deal of pride in myself... I'm AWESOME!

In love and light,

Thursday, April 05, 2007

And Finally.... some eye candy for ya!!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Inspiration brings me back!

Hello there,

First and foremost I apologise for amy absence. Things in my life became a bit unmanagable for a little while there. My job (the group home) overtook all of my time when I lost a lot of staff and was working 60+ hours a week. I then got really into art swaps and kind of neglected all other creative outlets for awhile. Things have calmed at work and I have finished all swaps that I signed on for and then I recieved an email from Melba about Create a Connection and it was like POOF! I am back to blogging. And as I started reading some of my old favorites again I realized how very much I missed the world of blog.
My art has expanded scince I last blogged and I will share with all of you some mixed media paintings that I have done for swaps recently when I have access to my home computer.
My health is still a struggle. I continue to work hard to conquer my anxiety and depression and am in the process of a host of different tests to rule out something more serious like lyme disease at the moment so that has been a bit stressful. Though I think I am handling it in stride working from the strength I have gained in myself over the last year.
My marriage is on the rocks to put it lightly. Kevin and I have been married about 2 years and I don't know at this point how much longer we will be together. I love him tremendously and I know he loves me as well but there are crucial things that are just not working. As I heal and learn more about myself and grow as a person, my needs change. My desire the put everyone else before myself has diminished ever so slightly and he is not adjusting well to that.
So that is all I will say for now, an overwhelming update I know and I do apologise for that. Hopefully over the next day or so I can get my art posted so you have something fun and colorful to look at! I have missed this so..

In love and light,