So it has been awhile scince my last post... the reason for that is quite sad actually. I am getting divorced. My husband and I made the quasi-mutual decision that this is what is best for both of us after 2 years of marriage. I do agree that this is whats best however, I am having a very hard time letting go... never has been one of my strong points. I have been unhappy for so long but have been working so hard in therapy to fix myself, fix my marriage, fix everything, make everything okay again and now it is all over.... well the fixing anyway.
I know all the logical things that people say, it's time to focus on loving myself and healing myself and I know that I am better off on my own than with a man who no longer loves me.. I know all the "stuff" What I don't know if why when I understand and believe all of these things it feels like my heart breaks again on a daily basis. I don't want to hear anymore about how it just takes time and that things will get better.... I just dont want to feel like this anymore.
I am working an overnight tonight and then looking at an apartment for myself in the morning which is a bit out of my price range but I feel cosmically drawn to it somehow and the way I figure it even if it is a bit pricey I only sign a year lease and a year from now I am going to be in a much better headspace to find something better.... I am working a lot of hours, which is good as my job nourishes me.. and I need the $$ I am working out almost everyday and eating a lot healthier.. Kevin has been gone for exactly a week and I already see myself making very positive changes that I found really challenging when I was with Kevin which is great... if it weren't for the dull acheing heart, constant anxiety and deep seated loneliness that I experience without a moments notice no matter where I am or who I am around and it seems like the only person on the planet that can possibly make those feelings go away is the man who told me he is no longer in love with me. All the logical thinking in the world can't help me here. I am trying to find the strength to reach out in any forum that I can for support in any way people are able to give it... care packages, loving comments, book reccommendations, anything that helps me feel connected again... it has only been a week but it feels like it has been a lifetime. Thank you in advance for any support that can be offered and please be patient with my blogging, I am tryin to do things as they feel right and there are days when nothing feels right including blogging....