Sunday, July 08, 2007

So it has been awhile scince my last post... the reason for that is quite sad actually. I am getting divorced. My husband and I made the quasi-mutual decision that this is what is best for both of us after 2 years of marriage. I do agree that this is whats best however, I am having a very hard time letting go... never has been one of my strong points. I have been unhappy for so long but have been working so hard in therapy to fix myself, fix my marriage, fix everything, make everything okay again and now it is all over.... well the fixing anyway.
I know all the logical things that people say, it's time to focus on loving myself and healing myself and I know that I am better off on my own than with a man who no longer loves me.. I know all the "stuff" What I don't know if why when I understand and believe all of these things it feels like my heart breaks again on a daily basis. I don't want to hear anymore about how it just takes time and that things will get better.... I just dont want to feel like this anymore.
I am working an overnight tonight and then looking at an apartment for myself in the morning which is a bit out of my price range but I feel cosmically drawn to it somehow and the way I figure it even if it is a bit pricey I only sign a year lease and a year from now I am going to be in a much better headspace to find something better.... I am working a lot of hours, which is good as my job nourishes me.. and I need the $$ I am working out almost everyday and eating a lot healthier.. Kevin has been gone for exactly a week and I already see myself making very positive changes that I found really challenging when I was with Kevin which is great... if it weren't for the dull acheing heart, constant anxiety and deep seated loneliness that I experience without a moments notice no matter where I am or who I am around and it seems like the only person on the planet that can possibly make those feelings go away is the man who told me he is no longer in love with me. All the logical thinking in the world can't help me here. I am trying to find the strength to reach out in any forum that I can for support in any way people are able to give it... care packages, loving comments, book reccommendations, anything that helps me feel connected again... it has only been a week but it feels like it has been a lifetime. Thank you in advance for any support that can be offered and please be patient with my blogging, I am tryin to do things as they feel right and there are days when nothing feels right including blogging....



Lisa in Ohio said...

Oh, I've been wondering about you. I'm sorry to read this post. I'll try not to sound trite and have any canned responses. You are grieving. It's like a death only the person himself hasn't died. But so many other things have: Your relationship, your vision of yourself as part of a couple (identity), your dreams for the future, etc. Allow yourself to feel the feelings. Don't pressure yourself to feel better or try to figure it all out. Just focus on the moment. Have a LOT of grace with yourself. Honor where you are and only what you need from moment to moment.

It sounds as if you're making some positive changes - the ones you've sensed needed attention for some time now. My favorite quote these days is: "Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." This is what you're doing. In spite of the grief and the mess and the shock, you're owning your power to still take care of yourself. That's good! And essential for survival!

You should have my contact info (that I sent with the tea towels). I'll offer what support I can if you choose to contact me.

Nina said...

Jocelyn - I read about your situation on Create a Connection - and I, too, will offer no trite cliches or tell you that time will heal all wounds. However . . .I do know from personal experience that the remnants of your shattered dreams can be made whole again - and YOU, my dear, can also be whole. Sounds like you are doing many of the right things - Having been sort of where you are for much, much longer (25 years marriage) I understand the devastation. Please continue to reach out to this community of friends because we are hear to support you. Email me if you have a minute - I would love to offer any words of encouragement that I can. Nina