Monday, June 18, 2007

I had to fire someone today......

ugh. That pretty much sums up my day. Two of my employees gave their notices last week as they are going back to school, and then today I lost another. WHICH means in a little under two weeks I am back to working 60 hours a week again. I know I can handle it as this is what my summer looked like last year and I am much better prepared this time around but it doesnt make it less frustrating. Between work and nana and trying to get back into college and trying to make some sense out of the mess that is my marriage it seems that it just never lets up! I haven't created anything in weeks. Mostly because I am so tired and it is tooooo hot in my studio space to do much of anything. I have been collecting images for my soul collage workshop in the fall at Just Be Connected... which is like my life raft right now! I am trying to think of all of the overtime as more money I can spend on all the wonderful artsy things being offered at the conference.

I think I would feel better if I had more artsy friends to spend some time (what time??) with here. I have heard that there is a group "Wicked Stitch" ( hey I'm from Maine ) that meets at the local coffee shop that I may check out this week. Perhaps that will lift me up a bit. I have also been trying out meditation with this Gaiam dvd that I checked out of the library and of course reading Simple Abundance but I still feel stagnate. I was talking with one of the men that I care for today about how challenging it is to figure out what I really want in life right now. Most of my employees are 21, 22 and are all in college and graduating, getting married and what not. I am going to be 29 in August and I am sick of college life. I love taking classes and all but not the livestyle that goes along with it. I want to have a home, a real family, some peace... I guess really ultimately I just want to be more setteled and have some peace, unfortunately my husband and I are not on the same page. He graduates in December but then wants to pay off some loans and perhaps go back to school and maybe think about buying a house in 5 or so years.... I mean come on now. Does this seem a bit ridiculous to any body else? Sometimes I feel like he lives his life just for him and his own agenda and I live a life that is about us. I know we have our problems but I guess this piece is really under my skin... I want to move forward and I feel stuck...


Saturday, June 02, 2007

Riddled with confusion and emotion. I have been told by many sources over the last couple of months that a time will come shortly where I will be forced to release some of the toxic emotions that I have carried with me for years from my troubled childhood and the assault and the alcholism and eating disorder and all the complicated years. It seems the harder I strive towards peace with my new daily yoga practice and establishing a relationship with my nana, I find myself withdrawing deeper and deeper within myself. I am finding it hard to connect with people that I normally have no problem connecting with... I feel like... I guess the problem is that I don't really recognize these feelings. There is an aroma of anger and hurt but it is not accompanied by the normal depression it's like there is something growing inside of me and it is big and it is scary and it is something it seems only I can understand.
SOOOOOOOOOO in dealing with all of these tornadoes of emotion I find myself singing along with Tori Amos at the top of my lungs. Normally in my highly emotional states I need to create things in order to feel better but now I have no desire to create anything... it's like I need a larger physical involvement with my expression.

Can anyone relate?