Friday, July 20, 2007

Friday …Friday, oh the drama that has ensued this week. I suppose that anytime there is a divorce on the table there is drama, but this seems ridiculous. I spent one night this week in the ER comforting my ex as he was diagnosed with some weird infection only for him to turn around and be his same old moody self the next day. AND THEN (and here is the big one people) I had an endoscopy yesterday where they took 8 biopisis of my stomach and esophagus and Kevin decided that while I was sedated and in the recovery room he would ask me if I was okay with him asking someone out on a date…. Are you fucking kidding me? What an ass! SO I asked him to go wait in the waiting room and later in the day when I was feeling better I told him that I needed space from him, that I didn’t feel he knew how to talk to or treat me appropriately and until he figured out how to do that I didn’t want him around. Oh an in all the conversation it turned out he really has already asked this girl out and she is only 20 years old… smart move on his part and I am sure this will be great for his sobriety (I say with my most sarcastic tone) Then he tells me this morning that he is finally getting around to filing the divorce papers today.

Wow… after all that all I am say is Thank God I am Out ! My feelings today run the gamut from rage to amusement to anxiety but all in all I just kinda feel like he can do what he wants just keep it away from me. That man is Toxic!


Monday, July 16, 2007

So the move was a complete disaster with a capitol D! After dealing wit a staffing crisis at work we managed to get the truck loaded up just in time for the skies to open up and release the downpour from hell. My bed took on about 10 pounds of water…. UGH My bed is like my island of safety and anxiety free zone…. Unbelievable! So now my bed is propped over the frame with fans blowing at it trying to get the damn thing to dry out and I am sleeping on a air mattress in the other room.. Wonderful way to start off a new place without my ex for the first time in 5 years wouldn’t you say?

BUT after all that drama I did manage to get a decent night of sleep and work up and am at work for the day. I am here till 4p then I need to get my car registered and then back to the very cluttered and unmanageable apartment. I can’t really unpack anything until the bed situation is taken care of as I am using rooms for things other than their original intention. Plus the bed drying process is taking up a lot of space.

The positive: I really enjoyed going out to my car this morning at 6:30 to the view of the golf course and the sun making everything so cheery. I did manage to get my bathroom set up so I am not slowed down getting to work.

Now… I need all the positive energy I can get on this bed situation .. Any advice, similar experiences ect.. My sister has a steam cleaner that I can use once it does dry out to kill anything that might be growing inside… I shudder at the thought.

Okay back to work… the other bummer, no internet at home until the end of the month so I can only post when I am at work.. Which is a little hectic.. Thank god for wireless!

Thank you to all who are offering support, I will visit each and everyone of you as time allows and my situation settles day by day.

In love and light,

Monday, July 09, 2007

I would say that I am slightly more positive today. I went and saw an apartment this morning which I decided to take. I will need to work a lot of extra hours to afford it but I think it is the ideal place for me to heal. It is a one bedroom but I am going to use the livingroom as my bedroom and the bedroom as an art studio. It will be the first apartment I have ever had as my own and I am filled with apprehension but excitement as well. I was very anxious about it today but now that I am back at work (doing another overnight) and I worked up a budget so I know what I am actually looking at I feel more confidence in my choice.

I am still increadibly sad as this truly marks the end of Kevin and I living together which has been a five year journey and I am sad to let it go, but this move is going to be much healthier for me. I just wish I could set aside the anxiety and the loneliness.... those are truly the pieces that are getting in my way now.

Will I date again? Will I find epic love or someone who truly truly understands me? Or am I destined to be broken and lonely? My views and perspectives on sex make me very different from most people, so I am told. It is not a very important piece to me. I have several medical issues that make it difficult and my sex drive is just low, it's just the way that I am. But I keep hearing that the only way to make a relationship work is to have a thriving sex life... while I have just lost my best friend and my marriage and I think alot of it has to do with my shortcomings in that area. I am fearful that there isn't anybody else out there like me that puts more value into my soul and my spirit, than my ability to fulfill their sexual needs. I am an amazingly complex woman with so much to offer and I just can't understand this sense of rejection I feel because I am "different" or "challenged" in this one area of life.

It makes me sad....


Sunday, July 08, 2007

So it has been awhile scince my last post... the reason for that is quite sad actually. I am getting divorced. My husband and I made the quasi-mutual decision that this is what is best for both of us after 2 years of marriage. I do agree that this is whats best however, I am having a very hard time letting go... never has been one of my strong points. I have been unhappy for so long but have been working so hard in therapy to fix myself, fix my marriage, fix everything, make everything okay again and now it is all over.... well the fixing anyway.
I know all the logical things that people say, it's time to focus on loving myself and healing myself and I know that I am better off on my own than with a man who no longer loves me.. I know all the "stuff" What I don't know if why when I understand and believe all of these things it feels like my heart breaks again on a daily basis. I don't want to hear anymore about how it just takes time and that things will get better.... I just dont want to feel like this anymore.
I am working an overnight tonight and then looking at an apartment for myself in the morning which is a bit out of my price range but I feel cosmically drawn to it somehow and the way I figure it even if it is a bit pricey I only sign a year lease and a year from now I am going to be in a much better headspace to find something better.... I am working a lot of hours, which is good as my job nourishes me.. and I need the $$ I am working out almost everyday and eating a lot healthier.. Kevin has been gone for exactly a week and I already see myself making very positive changes that I found really challenging when I was with Kevin which is great... if it weren't for the dull acheing heart, constant anxiety and deep seated loneliness that I experience without a moments notice no matter where I am or who I am around and it seems like the only person on the planet that can possibly make those feelings go away is the man who told me he is no longer in love with me. All the logical thinking in the world can't help me here. I am trying to find the strength to reach out in any forum that I can for support in any way people are able to give it... care packages, loving comments, book reccommendations, anything that helps me feel connected again... it has only been a week but it feels like it has been a lifetime. Thank you in advance for any support that can be offered and please be patient with my blogging, I am tryin to do things as they feel right and there are days when nothing feels right including blogging....