Monday, July 09, 2007

I would say that I am slightly more positive today. I went and saw an apartment this morning which I decided to take. I will need to work a lot of extra hours to afford it but I think it is the ideal place for me to heal. It is a one bedroom but I am going to use the livingroom as my bedroom and the bedroom as an art studio. It will be the first apartment I have ever had as my own and I am filled with apprehension but excitement as well. I was very anxious about it today but now that I am back at work (doing another overnight) and I worked up a budget so I know what I am actually looking at I feel more confidence in my choice.

I am still increadibly sad as this truly marks the end of Kevin and I living together which has been a five year journey and I am sad to let it go, but this move is going to be much healthier for me. I just wish I could set aside the anxiety and the loneliness.... those are truly the pieces that are getting in my way now.

Will I date again? Will I find epic love or someone who truly truly understands me? Or am I destined to be broken and lonely? My views and perspectives on sex make me very different from most people, so I am told. It is not a very important piece to me. I have several medical issues that make it difficult and my sex drive is just low, it's just the way that I am. But I keep hearing that the only way to make a relationship work is to have a thriving sex life... while I have just lost my best friend and my marriage and I think alot of it has to do with my shortcomings in that area. I am fearful that there isn't anybody else out there like me that puts more value into my soul and my spirit, than my ability to fulfill their sexual needs. I am an amazingly complex woman with so much to offer and I just can't understand this sense of rejection I feel because I am "different" or "challenged" in this one area of life.

It makes me sad....



Melba said...

((((HUGS to You))))
I am gald you are sharing here. it does help to get it out. I know a relationship is so painful when it is ending. But you are right to be excited about living in your own space that you get to use as an art studio too!

You are not alone. Please remember that.

Everyone has a different sex drive. Don't beat yourself up over this. The media makes it seem there should only be "one way" ffor everything...but we are all different. You are on your own will find the way that makes your heart sing.

Keep breahing and believing in you!


leah said...

We are all different and even though you've been made to feel abnormal, you are not and there are definitely people who will match up more with your needs. Don't let your past relationship make you feel unworthy of love. Take this time to heal yourself and love yourself for all that you are. Although endings are terribly painful, it's a wonderful gift to have this time.

Sending hugs and love your way! (((hugs)))

Sara said...


Just checking in to give you some support...I'm here and going through the ending of a relationship of 11 years...I just moved into my own apartment with my mother (who I care for) has been hard - freeing - and a challenge!

Debra said...

(Hugs)... Ah Jocyln.. I will likely be making a similar move next year.. so I will watch your progress with interest (though in my case, it's after 24 years of marriage). First I have to find some way to support myself.

Living alone is a great step. It's amazing how you grow when it's only you to rely upon. You're heading into a fabulous adventure.

Sex is a good indicator of how YOU feel about a relationship. But normal is normal for whatever 2 people think is it.

Anonymous said...

Stopping by to offer support also. I am struck by your words about sex. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship in my book, and don't let some guy tell you it is. When two people are really in love w/ each other, they find a way to make their individual viewpoints on sex come together and work. I have a feeling you are just at the beginning of a wonderful new journey for yourself. Wishing you peace.