Saturday, September 22, 2007

It has been over a month and I find myself drawn back to writing here. My divorce was finalized this past Thursday which I am happy and sad about. Moreover, my ex has moved onto a "serious" relationship with a woman that I know and for some reason I cannot get them out of my head. I have done my yoga and meditation and then took a nap and when I woke it was like all this oppressive energy was pushing down on me saying, "He's happy, he's loved, he's not alone... and you are..." Ugh. I am so goddamn lonely and I have no idea what I need. I spent last night on my bathroom floor in tears just begging to feel differently... begging for the pain to come to an end. I am no longer in love with Kevin, I don't want to be with him, but there is still something about how all these things have transpired that is in my heart and it feels like it is eating me alive. My therapist thinks it's depression... I'm not so sure. It is so palpable, like I am incapable of completely letting this go even though I want to and am doing everything in my power to do so. I almost feel like the butt of a very bad cosmic joke. I work, I go to class, I hang out with a few friends, I do yoga, I do art but eventually on a daily basis I experience a very real and very obvious aloneness and when I am in that aloneness, all I want is to experience a feeling of peace, but what comes to me instead is intrusive images of my ex and his new girlfriend, laughing and loving and expressing every sign of outward happiness and the images just drive me down down down....

1 comment:

Jes said...

OH me-oh-my!

DEAREST Jocelyn, I have been searching through 3 pages of my comments this morning so I could put you in my links section! Well, I was estatic to have found your link, then, I started reading.....

You poor Dear, you have had quite a summer!!! (and fall) I'm not sure what the appropriate thing to say is, but the first thing that popped into my head, was, "just keep on rockin' girl!"

HONESTLY, the images WILL go away! Sometimes I think our minds play mean little tricks on us, but maybe it's because when we come out on the other side we are all the more stronger for it?? I dunno....I just know that things can SUCK sometimes, but things can also get WAY better!!!!

xoxoxox ~Jes