Saturday, June 02, 2007

Riddled with confusion and emotion. I have been told by many sources over the last couple of months that a time will come shortly where I will be forced to release some of the toxic emotions that I have carried with me for years from my troubled childhood and the assault and the alcholism and eating disorder and all the complicated years. It seems the harder I strive towards peace with my new daily yoga practice and establishing a relationship with my nana, I find myself withdrawing deeper and deeper within myself. I am finding it hard to connect with people that I normally have no problem connecting with... I feel like... I guess the problem is that I don't really recognize these feelings. There is an aroma of anger and hurt but it is not accompanied by the normal depression it's like there is something growing inside of me and it is big and it is scary and it is something it seems only I can understand.
SOOOOOOOOOO in dealing with all of these tornadoes of emotion I find myself singing along with Tori Amos at the top of my lungs. Normally in my highly emotional states I need to create things in order to feel better but now I have no desire to create anything... it's like I need a larger physical involvement with my expression.

Can anyone relate?

J

3 comments:

Vickie said...

There is healing in anger. More than that it is okay to be angry. I don't know your history, but when the people who are suppose to protect us don't, it's okay to be angry with them and the world for not stepping in. Working with people in a group home you've probably seen it in others. I've seen it and even felt it. I hope your journey to healing does not take a life time.

artsyfran said...

It's good to feel. It's hard, but it's a step to healing. You will find it hard and you'll want to retreat, but don't give in to that. Allow yourself to feel. Ask your friends and others close to you to be there and to be non-judgmental during your process. Those who love you will understand. I've been there. Warm hugs, Fran

Kathy said...

Hi! I'm your CaC partner and need to get your email address! The color you chose was green...such a pretty, alive color. A great color for a healing journey. I hope the green thing(s) I send will help!