Saturday, February 25, 2006

No weekly check in today folks. I am cranky, in pain and in no mood to deal with anything. I have been at work for 11 hours. I have had these pin prick sharp pains shooting out of my left ovary for the best 24 hours and it makes me very uncomfortable. I have a feeling I am going to be uncomforable, over tired and cranky until my surgery is over on Wednesday. THEREFOR, you proably won't hear much out of me until a couple of days post-op. I appreciate any good thoughts you can all send my way and hope to be back up and in good form ASAP.

In love and light,

Saturday, February 18, 2006

OOH Week 6 Check In!

Here I am back at work for another Saturday and it has been increadibly busy. SO I am going to jump in with my Week 6 Check in while I have a minute.

#1. I did my morning pages 4 out of 7 days this week. Again, in my days off I just did not find the time or the motivation. I had a lot of sadness this week onf Wednesday and most of Thursday and I was stuck in it. Then Friday I had a lot of resolution and love and I was enjoying that too much to be distracted by anything else.
#2. I did not do my artist date this week, again, it was not my focus.
#3. I wouldn't necessarily say I experienced syncronicity this week as much as I experienced the grace and ease one has when they are on the right path towards their authentic life. Cetain things particularly with the effors in going back to school just seemed to go very smoothly.
#4. Alot of issues with body image and womanhood surfaced this week amd these are things that are going to take time and energy and work to get through.

So week 6 is over and we are onto week 7. I am actually going to try to do week 7 and 8 this week so that I wont have to worry about getting behind the week of my surgery. I know that the Artist's Way is going to be the last thing on my mind that week.

I am feeling okay today. Pretty stressed out because work is so busy and I really hate my job. BUT only a week and a half and I am off for 10 days and then when I return I am hoping to be out of here for good by May 1st... cross your fingers for me!

Okay I am going to cut it short today and get back to work. I hope all is well with all my lovely readers and we will get more caught up soon I promise!

In love and light,

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I am feeling a little sad today.

I had a therapy session today and one of the major focuses was body image and my ability to complete disconnect myself from being a woman as means of protecting myself from pain. I don't know where or when it all began but I have what I logically know is a very "off" image of self. This is a very hard post for me to write because there is no wry humor or off color remarks when it comes to this topic for me. This is very real, very raw and very much a part of my daily life. No matter what size I have been through out my 27 years I have never felt attractive, or sexy. I struggled with anorexia thoroughout the end of high school and the beginning of college and then moved to alcohol and pills and then I suppose when I gave up these addictions I just sort of started hiding and letting the anxiety take over my life. The more I hid the more weight I gained and the more I felt the internal weight of the hatred for my body. Now, I know that I am not an enormous woman. And I know that I am probably very much in the "average" but that is not how I feel. The scary part of it for me is that I can look back at pictures of myself 15 lbs lighter or 30 lbs lighter and even 60 lbs lighter and completely emmaciated and underweight and I know that deep down in all those years and all those sizes I felt exactly like I do today.
I am working very hard to heal all aspects of my life but this one here is a very tough and very painful corner for me and I don't really know which direction to turn.. it feels very lonely here. I do not want to hear how beautiful other people think I am because that only accentuates the fact that my image of self does not match up....
One of the things that came up in therapy today was how all this connected with my issues with intimacy and womanhood... on a physical level this ties in with my medical problems and my upcoming surgery. When asked the question "What does being a woman mean for you?" I was filled with sadness and I guess that this is the place from which I am looking to connect. So I ask to you my women readers. What does being a woman mean to you? I appreciate your feedback and your honesty.

In love and light,

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Another Saturday stuck at work!

Hello all! I have a lot to write about today so I am going to try and be a bit organized and hope you all don't get too bored with me... especially as I am not sharing any lovely eye candy today... perhaps if you are good next week I will post some more of my projects.

Okay so AW Week 5 Check In:
1. I only did my morning pages 4 out of 7 days this week. BUT I do not feel guilty about it, which is lovely. I have been much more focused on getting well this week than the structure of the AW process, so I am okay with it. On the days that I did my morning pages I did enjoy them this week with less resistance.

2. This week I did not do my Artist's date. In fact, I had doctor's appointments on all the days that I wasn't at work for 12+ hours so I did not want to "schedule" any more of my off time. In lieu of the artist's date however this week I did spend more time than usual in my studio creating art.

3. don't feel like answering this this week.

4. I would say my ability to set aside the structure and rules of AW and just allow myself to create and heal this week was pretty signifigant to my recovery. I had more confidence in my creations as well. I can't wait to share my matchbook shrine with yall!

OKay that is all for the check in this week. Today I am stuck at work for an amazing 12 hour shift which I am none too excited about. My car is in the shop so my husband has to drive me to and from work all weekend and we are expecting a big snow storm tommorow... joy oh joy. Oh the upside I started a new novel which I am really enjoying it is One For the Money by Janet Evanovich which is the first of 11 that are in the series about Stephanie Plum who is a crazy cool bounty hunter. My therapist told me if I didn't like them I couldnt tell her as she could no longer be my friend so I was a little worried... but man, it is funny and I wish I could read all day instead of doing work! I am definitly checking the rest of them out of the library to read post op in my recovery do nothing time... now I am reallly excited!

Okay the last thing I am going to address today is that I have been tagged by both and Eliza from So ladies here it is

1. Four wishes, dreams and desires:
a. to open a private massage and polarity practice in my home.
b. to own a digital camera
c. to visit the Greek isles
d. to obtain a bachelors degree

2. Four imaginary lives:
a. An ecelctic author of romance novels.
b. A full time artist with an amazing studio.
c. The lead actress in a Broadway musical in NYC.
d. to be a mom

3. Four things I should change:
a. my job
b. how often I use the phrase "I should..."
c. my excercise regime
d. the amount I eat sweets.

4. Four things I like about Artist's Way:
a. I love doing the writing tasks on Monday and Tues while I am at work
b. I love the feeling of community we have in the way we are doing it together.
c. I love the essays each week and find her writing very insightful.
d. I am beginning to love the morning pages.

5. Four things I hope to get out of the Artist's Way:
a. Confidence in my creating.
b. Clarity of my goals
c. Contiued sisterhood
d. Love for myself and my inner artist.

Okay I am all worn out now so I am going to be a stinker and I am not going to tag anybody today... perhaps tommorow, we'll have to wait and see. I hope you are all doing well and taking car of yourselves and your souls.

In love and light,

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Hello my blogery friends! This is my very first Artist Trading Card and I am so very proud of it. I watercolored the background paper and then stamped and embelished it. This has been my joy of the week thus far.

I am feeling really disconnected from my blog. Pehaps because I have spent so much time lately creating rather than writing about creating. I guess I am at a place in my healing where I am celebrating my growth and healing in the creation of my arts. Though, I am having a difficult time not feeling guilty for my lack of passion when it comes to this here blog. Ah well it is all part of process. Today I had my therapy session over the phone as my car is without a working transmission and therfor I am housebound until it gets fixed next week.

I want to talk for a moment about this over the phone buisness. The session itself was validating and wonderful as usual. What I find so extraodinary is the fact that my therapist was willing to take the time and just have a conversation with me off the clock. I think that I got so used to sublevel medical care that when one of my doctors goes above and beyond like this I am completely bowled over. Another example is my amazing OBGYN who is performing my surgery in 3 weeks. She is going into private practice in a couple weeks and called me yesterday in between surgeries from the hosipital just to put my mind at ease that she still intends to care for me. She too is absolutely amazing. I know how frustrating it can be to be unhappy with the level of care you recieve from your doctors. I just want to encourage people who are unhappy to seek put a better situation and not settle as I setteled for so long. Having a couple of doctors that I feel are really in my corner has made a tremendous diffence in all aspects of my healing including the value I put upon myself.

On that note, tommorow is a day filled with pre-op appointments. I am actually looking forward to meeting with my anestheiologist and nurse so that I feel better prepared. I will try to check in tommorow and tell you all how it goes but if I do not get a chance I will be back over the weekend.

Oh and by the way.... that job I hate so much... I am leaving it soon! After the surgery and postcare I will be moving on and am just exstatic as can be about that!

Hope all of you being of light are living well!

In love and light,

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Artist's Way Week 4 Check In

1. I did my morning pages 6 out of 7 days this week. It felt like I didn't really have anything to say in my pages this week. It made them hard to get through and frustrating. I did not want to do them this week.

2. I did go on my artist's date this week. I took my inner artist to Michaels and AC Moore craft stores and spent a couple of hours perusing and picking up treats for myself. Then I went home and taught my inner artist how to make chocolate mousse! It was a really lovely day!

3. I can't say that I noticed any syncronicity this week- though I was feeling pretty disconnected so I very well could have missed it!

4. I joined the yahoo group clothpaperstudio and found a whole new group of creative supporters. I m starting to recognize the divide that I have created between artistic and crafty as a safety for myself. I am trying to find a balance of both expressions in my life and an equal appreciation and respect for both of these aspects of myself.

So that is all she wrote for my check in this week! Now on to bigger and brighter things!

I am stuck at work again for another 12 hour day. It is loud here today. All the leasing department have taken over my normally quiet little bay and there is horrible music being played in the cubicle next to me. Not to mention most of the men in the leasing department are loud and showy... icky. I wish they would all go home and leave me in peace and quiet. Crappy energy in here today.
I have been pretty busy today but I did manage to spend some surfing the net. One of the women from my birthday group on clothpaperstudio is Gina. It is her birthday month for February. That means that all the other members of the group send her a little something like an embelished tag or Artist's trading card. I was working really hard all week putting stuff together for her that I am pretty proud of. THEN I found that she has a buisness and a website I checked out some of her mixed media work and OMG this woman really does some amazing stuff! I was drooling over the sister circle journal pages sooooo beautiful. But now I have inner critics creeping in about my work. I am really new at Mixed Media and have been having a lot of fun with it but I am starting to feel itimidated now that I see what some of these other ladies are doing. Ah well perhaps the more I practice the better I will feel about my work.

Okay I am getting a headache and a great deal of impatience with my job so I shall say farewell for today. Perhaps tommorow I will be able to write from a better place!

In love and light,

Friday, February 03, 2006

Good Evening Friends!

It has been so weird to not blog all week this week due to my reading deprivation for the Artist's Way process. I have felt really disconnected. Not only from not writing but especially from not reading the blogs I generally keep up with. Tommorow is going to be a big day of catch up... hope it is slow at work!
This has been a good week overall I have gotten involved with a yahoo group clothpaperstudio which has been exciting. I am learning new mixed media collage techniques and spending a lot of creative time in my little studio. I am a bit bummed that my collage Adult Ed class got cancelled. It was supposed to start next week and evidently there wasnt enough interest. BUMMER! I am having a hard time finding affordable collage classes, if anyone has any online class resources they could turn me onto I would appreciate it!
Well, I am fading iknto dream land here folks. I will be much more exciting tommorow I do promise you that! I hope all of my readers are doing well and that you dont feel neglected by my week of absence!

In love and light,