Sunday, January 08, 2006

Hello and Welcome,

My very first blog entry, how very exciting this is! I have decided to create this blog because I have joined forces with www.katspaws.blogs.com to participate in The Artist's Way journey. I am very excited about this and did my morning pages today for the very first time. I am increadibly proud of myself and all the other beautiful beings that have chosen this journey together.

On a different note. Things in my life have been relatively chaotic. I feel I should share a bit of my journey up to now in my very first blog entry so that any readers I may have aren't lost. I am 27 years old. I got married this past summer and graduated from massage and polarity school last April. The "good on paper" parts of my life are in a nice position for the first time in my life which has allowed room for a complete and total emotional overhaul and major healing undertaking. The catalsyt and what was thought to be the origonal cause for this healing journey is the fact that I am a rape survivor. I was raped just before my 22 birthday. I have already done a tremendous amount of healing and work surrounding this situation but there were two major areas of my life that were and are still being affected. One of which is my sex life and the other being my anxiety disorder. In any case, I got myself a phenomenal therapist and we have been working together scince like October. The process has been long and draining but I do feel as though I am making substantial progress. I am very proud of myself this weekend for the 3 specific reasons. #1. I asked for a raise for the first time in my life. #2 I joined the gym this week and I actually worked out once. #3 I signed up for two adult education classes, one on mixed media collage and the other on bellydancing. I very excited about all of this! Before now my anxiety would have prevented me from trying any of these new and exciting things. Some of the things that I am trying very hard to incooperate in my life are excercise, art and creativity on a much grander scale and daily self nuturance. It seems the most major thing that Julie (my therapist) and I have spent time on is trying to figure out what I enjoy, what makes me feel good and fills me with joy. I have spent so many years drowning myself with self abuse and trying to fit all these extreme molds that I created so that I could feel like I fit. I tried so hard to form myself into a person that I though just may be "good enough" I did this for so long that when asked. "what makes you happy" I really couldn't answer from an authentically Jocelyn place. Although it may sound really simple and basic it has taken me months of work to get a true base of what "things" make me happy. I mean what actual activities that I can participate in make me feel good. This is why I am so proud of those 3 things I listed above. I was able to not only find things that I, Jocelyn, authentically enjoy and desire in my life but I was also able to convince myself that I, Jocelyn, am worthy of recognition. (wow... this is big doings people)

One of the other things that I am working with is changing my perspective. I am trying to look at all the things that I do in my day as parts of healing me. Even on the days (which are still pretty frequent) where I cannot seem to get myself off of the couch and feel crippled with anxiety. I am trying to learn how to say to myself, " this is just a part of my process, I am doing exactly as I am meant to be doing and I love and honor myself for wherever I am in this healing process." It is very difficult to learn how to be gentle with oneself. To forgive oneself and treat oneself with the compassion that is so easily distributed to others.

On that thought I shall close for now and see where the day leads me.

In love and light,
Jocelyn

9 comments:

Ang (the sister) said...

Hello!

It is wonderful that you are so able to recongnize the great steps towards healing that you have taken over the last few months. You have done some very hard work and I know that you are committed to continuing that work to get to the point of contentedness that most only hope for. Congradulations for the progress and growth that you have experienced and I hope that you know that you are an inspiration to the rest of us to get off our asses and actually dooo something about our issues.

Enjoy!!

Love Ya,

Ang

Marilyn said...

Hi Jocelyn, just wanted to say welcome to the Artist's Way group...look forward to reading here in the coming months.

Helen Wang said...

A great step to start the blog to share with your experience and expertise. Please also visit my blog A Taste for Good Life http://HelenWang.rdvp.org/goodlife/ - it's about healthy lifestyle and holistic living...

kat said...

welcome, welcome jocelyn!! so glad to have you along. it sounds like you are makin such huge strides on your journey!

Spindle said...

Good luck with your new blog world!

Amy said...

Wow! You're doing an amazing job! Keep up the good work! It's good to be with you on the journey of the Artist's Way!

Terri /Tinker said...

I'm so glad you're on this artist's journey with us, Jocelyn! Wow, congratulations on your new blog, it looks great. Thanks for taking the time to stop by & leave such a nice comment on my blog. I think this will be a great experience for all of us.

erin (the friend) said...

Your ability to be so honest with yourself and with the world through this blog inspires me to be more honest with myself. Thank you joce!!! im so glad you are recognizing the strengh you have inside yourself!

Miranda said...

Joce,

Congratulations for not only having the courage to journey down your own path to healing, but for discovering a way in which to offer assistance to others as well. You are a beautiful being, and I love you with all of my heart.

You are THE Rock Star.
Miranda