I would say that I am slightly more positive today. I went and saw an apartment this morning which I decided to take. I will need to work a lot of extra hours to afford it but I think it is the ideal place for me to heal. It is a one bedroom but I am going to use the livingroom as my bedroom and the bedroom as an art studio. It will be the first apartment I have ever had as my own and I am filled with apprehension but excitement as well. I was very anxious about it today but now that I am back at work (doing another overnight) and I worked up a budget so I know what I am actually looking at I feel more confidence in my choice.
I am still increadibly sad as this truly marks the end of Kevin and I living together which has been a five year journey and I am sad to let it go, but this move is going to be much healthier for me. I just wish I could set aside the anxiety and the loneliness.... those are truly the pieces that are getting in my way now.
Will I date again? Will I find epic love or someone who truly truly understands me? Or am I destined to be broken and lonely? My views and perspectives on sex make me very different from most people, so I am told. It is not a very important piece to me. I have several medical issues that make it difficult and my sex drive is just low, it's just the way that I am. But I keep hearing that the only way to make a relationship work is to have a thriving sex life... while I have just lost my best friend and my marriage and I think alot of it has to do with my shortcomings in that area. I am fearful that there isn't anybody else out there like me that puts more value into my soul and my spirit, than my ability to fulfill their sexual needs. I am an amazingly complex woman with so much to offer and I just can't understand this sense of rejection I feel because I am "different" or "challenged" in this one area of life.
It makes me sad....