I am feeling a little sad today.
I had a therapy session today and one of the major focuses was body image and my ability to complete disconnect myself from being a woman as means of protecting myself from pain. I don't know where or when it all began but I have what I logically know is a very "off" image of self. This is a very hard post for me to write because there is no wry humor or off color remarks when it comes to this topic for me. This is very real, very raw and very much a part of my daily life. No matter what size I have been through out my 27 years I have never felt attractive, or sexy. I struggled with anorexia thoroughout the end of high school and the beginning of college and then moved to alcohol and pills and then I suppose when I gave up these addictions I just sort of started hiding and letting the anxiety take over my life. The more I hid the more weight I gained and the more I felt the internal weight of the hatred for my body. Now, I know that I am not an enormous woman. And I know that I am probably very much in the "average" but that is not how I feel. The scary part of it for me is that I can look back at pictures of myself 15 lbs lighter or 30 lbs lighter and even 60 lbs lighter and completely emmaciated and underweight and I know that deep down in all those years and all those sizes I felt exactly like I do today.
I am working very hard to heal all aspects of my life but this one here is a very tough and very painful corner for me and I don't really know which direction to turn.. it feels very lonely here. I do not want to hear how beautiful other people think I am because that only accentuates the fact that my image of self does not match up....
One of the things that came up in therapy today was how all this connected with my issues with intimacy and womanhood... on a physical level this ties in with my medical problems and my upcoming surgery. When asked the question "What does being a woman mean for you?" I was filled with sadness and I guess that this is the place from which I am looking to connect. So I ask to you my women readers. What does being a woman mean to you? I appreciate your feedback and your honesty.
In love and light,