Here we are the eve of my 28th birthday. I sit alone to the soundtrack of the new Ani Difranco album. Exhausted from work and painting and passion. It has been a long time scince I blogged here. I have been neglectful scince we finished the Artists Way process. Things have changed over the last several months. For one my job has changed which has been a huge blessing. I am now actually the team leader for a group home for men with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy. The house opened June 10th and my world became a whirlwind of work and anxiety and adjustment. Things have fallen into place and I am slowly losening my grip on the home. I have always believed it takes 6 months at a new job to relax into it and adjust. So I have felt in flux. But that is the nature of the beast I suppose.
My body has been aching. My healing stagnated as it seems. I have increasing back pain and my anxiety ebbs and flows with no avail. I am trying to find a new shrink to assist with my meds as I have yet to find a combo that brings me any relief at all. It is managable when I can bring myself to paint and express myself, but I am finding myself more and more tired and plagued with physical pain which makes the effort to do anything a huge challenge.
Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be an end to this ridiculous anxiety. It seems I have just struggled with it for so long.... how much can one person fight for themselves? Eventually I just want to sleep... like really really sleep. Deeply with no pain , no anxiety, no waking up, no cold sweats, no nightmares.... just sleep. It has been years scince I just slept... I am exhausted.
Absolutely to the core.... exhausted