Sunday, August 13, 2006

Here we are the eve of my 28th birthday. I sit alone to the soundtrack of the new Ani Difranco album. Exhausted from work and painting and passion. It has been a long time scince I blogged here. I have been neglectful scince we finished the Artists Way process. Things have changed over the last several months. For one my job has changed which has been a huge blessing. I am now actually the team leader for a group home for men with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy. The house opened June 10th and my world became a whirlwind of work and anxiety and adjustment. Things have fallen into place and I am slowly losening my grip on the home. I have always believed it takes 6 months at a new job to relax into it and adjust. So I have felt in flux. But that is the nature of the beast I suppose.
My body has been aching. My healing stagnated as it seems. I have increasing back pain and my anxiety ebbs and flows with no avail. I am trying to find a new shrink to assist with my meds as I have yet to find a combo that brings me any relief at all. It is managable when I can bring myself to paint and express myself, but I am finding myself more and more tired and plagued with physical pain which makes the effort to do anything a huge challenge.
Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be an end to this ridiculous anxiety. It seems I have just struggled with it for so long.... how much can one person fight for themselves? Eventually I just want to sleep... like really really sleep. Deeply with no pain , no anxiety, no waking up, no cold sweats, no nightmares.... just sleep. It has been years scince I just slept... I am exhausted.

Absolutely to the core.... exhausted



Jana B said...

There you are!!! I wondered where you had been hiding.

I'm so glad to hear that you've found another job!!!! I'd say that it might take a little more than 6 months for you to adjust, since the home just opened, and everyone else is just adjusting too. So, make sure you're extra good to yourself while everything falls into place.

I'm sorry about the plateau in your healing. I hope you can find a great shrink who can help you get over the hump and back on your road to healing. *hugs*

anup.777 said...

I hope u find the right mix ... and ur healing continues full-on ...

welcome back buddy ... hang in there!