Hello and Welcome,

My very first blog entry, how very exciting this is! I have decided to create this blog because I have joined forces with www.katspaws.blogs.com to participate in The Artist's Way journey. I am very excited about this and did my morning pages today for the very first time. I am increadibly proud of myself and all the other beautiful beings that have chosen this journey together.

On a different note. Things in my life have been relatively chaotic. I feel I should share a bit of my journey up to now in my very first blog entry so that any readers I may have aren't lost. I am 27 years old. I got married this past summer and graduated from massage and polarity school last April. The "good on paper" parts of my life are in a nice position for the first time in my life which has allowed room for a complete and total emotional overhaul and major healing undertaking. The catalsyt and what was thought to be the origonal cause for this healing journey is the fact that I am a rape survivor. I was raped just before my 22 birthday. I have already done a tremendous amount of healing and work surrounding this situation but there were two major areas of my life that were and are still being affected. One of which is my sex life and the other being my anxiety disorder. In any case, I got myself a phenomenal therapist and we have been working together scince like October. The process has been long and draining but I do feel as though I am making substantial progress. I am very proud of myself this weekend for the 3 specific reasons. #1. I asked for a raise for the first time in my life. #2 I joined the gym this week and I actually worked out once. #3 I signed up for two adult education classes, one on mixed media collage and the other on bellydancing. I very excited about all of this! Before now my anxiety would have prevented me from trying any of these new and exciting things. Some of the things that I am trying very hard to incooperate in my life are excercise, art and creativity on a much grander scale and daily self nuturance. It seems the most major thing that Julie (my therapist) and I have spent time on is trying to figure out what I enjoy, what makes me feel good and fills me with joy. I have spent so many years drowning myself with self abuse and trying to fit all these extreme molds that I created so that I could feel like I fit. I tried so hard to form myself into a person that I though just may be "good enough" I did this for so long that when asked. "what makes you happy" I really couldn't answer from an authentically Jocelyn place. Although it may sound really simple and basic it has taken me months of work to get a true base of what "things" make me happy. I mean what actual activities that I can participate in make me feel good. This is why I am so proud of those 3 things I listed above. I was able to not only find things that I, Jocelyn, authentically enjoy and desire in my life but I was also able to convince myself that I, Jocelyn, am worthy of recognition. (wow... this is big doings people)

One of the other things that I am working with is changing my perspective. I am trying to look at all the things that I do in my day as parts of healing me. Even on the days (which are still pretty frequent) where I cannot seem to get myself off of the couch and feel crippled with anxiety. I am trying to learn how to say to myself, " this is just a part of my process, I am doing exactly as I am meant to be doing and I love and honor myself for wherever I am in this healing process." It is very difficult to learn how to be gentle with oneself. To forgive oneself and treat oneself with the compassion that is so easily distributed to others.

On that thought I shall close for now and see where the day leads me.

In love and light,
Jocelyn