No weekly check in today folks. I am cranky, in pain and in no mood to deal with anything. I have been at work for 11 hours. I have had these pin prick sharp pains shooting out of my left ovary for the best 24 hours and it makes me very uncomfortable. I have a feeling I am going to be uncomforable, over tired and cranky until my surgery is over on Wednesday. THEREFOR, you proably won't hear much out of me until a couple of days post-op. I appreciate any good thoughts you can all send my way and hope to be back up and in good form ASAP.
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Saturday, February 18, 2006
OOH Week 6 Check In!
Here I am back at work for another Saturday and it has been increadibly busy. SO I am going to jump in with my Week 6 Check in while I have a minute.
#1. I did my morning pages 4 out of 7 days this week. Again, in my days off I just did not find the time or the motivation. I had a lot of sadness this week onf Wednesday and most of Thursday and I was stuck in it. Then Friday I had a lot of resolution and love and I was enjoying that too much to be distracted by anything else.
#2. I did not do my artist date this week, again, it was not my focus.
#3. I wouldn't necessarily say I experienced syncronicity this week as much as I experienced the grace and ease one has when they are on the right path towards their authentic life. Cetain things particularly with the effors in going back to school just seemed to go very smoothly.
#4. Alot of issues with body image and womanhood surfaced this week amd these are things that are going to take time and energy and work to get through.
So week 6 is over and we are onto week 7. I am actually going to try to do week 7 and 8 this week so that I wont have to worry about getting behind the week of my surgery. I know that the Artist's Way is going to be the last thing on my mind that week.
I am feeling okay today. Pretty stressed out because work is so busy and I really hate my job. BUT only a week and a half and I am off for 10 days and then when I return I am hoping to be out of here for good by May 1st... cross your fingers for me!
Okay I am going to cut it short today and get back to work. I hope all is well with all my lovely readers and we will get more caught up soon I promise!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Here I am back at work for another Saturday and it has been increadibly busy. SO I am going to jump in with my Week 6 Check in while I have a minute.
#1. I did my morning pages 4 out of 7 days this week. Again, in my days off I just did not find the time or the motivation. I had a lot of sadness this week onf Wednesday and most of Thursday and I was stuck in it. Then Friday I had a lot of resolution and love and I was enjoying that too much to be distracted by anything else.
#2. I did not do my artist date this week, again, it was not my focus.
#3. I wouldn't necessarily say I experienced syncronicity this week as much as I experienced the grace and ease one has when they are on the right path towards their authentic life. Cetain things particularly with the effors in going back to school just seemed to go very smoothly.
#4. Alot of issues with body image and womanhood surfaced this week amd these are things that are going to take time and energy and work to get through.
So week 6 is over and we are onto week 7. I am actually going to try to do week 7 and 8 this week so that I wont have to worry about getting behind the week of my surgery. I know that the Artist's Way is going to be the last thing on my mind that week.
I am feeling okay today. Pretty stressed out because work is so busy and I really hate my job. BUT only a week and a half and I am off for 10 days and then when I return I am hoping to be out of here for good by May 1st... cross your fingers for me!
Okay I am going to cut it short today and get back to work. I hope all is well with all my lovely readers and we will get more caught up soon I promise!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
I am feeling a little sad today.
I had a therapy session today and one of the major focuses was body image and my ability to complete disconnect myself from being a woman as means of protecting myself from pain. I don't know where or when it all began but I have what I logically know is a very "off" image of self. This is a very hard post for me to write because there is no wry humor or off color remarks when it comes to this topic for me. This is very real, very raw and very much a part of my daily life. No matter what size I have been through out my 27 years I have never felt attractive, or sexy. I struggled with anorexia thoroughout the end of high school and the beginning of college and then moved to alcohol and pills and then I suppose when I gave up these addictions I just sort of started hiding and letting the anxiety take over my life. The more I hid the more weight I gained and the more I felt the internal weight of the hatred for my body. Now, I know that I am not an enormous woman. And I know that I am probably very much in the "average" but that is not how I feel. The scary part of it for me is that I can look back at pictures of myself 15 lbs lighter or 30 lbs lighter and even 60 lbs lighter and completely emmaciated and underweight and I know that deep down in all those years and all those sizes I felt exactly like I do today.
I am working very hard to heal all aspects of my life but this one here is a very tough and very painful corner for me and I don't really know which direction to turn.. it feels very lonely here. I do not want to hear how beautiful other people think I am because that only accentuates the fact that my image of self does not match up....
One of the things that came up in therapy today was how all this connected with my issues with intimacy and womanhood... on a physical level this ties in with my medical problems and my upcoming surgery. When asked the question "What does being a woman mean for you?" I was filled with sadness and I guess that this is the place from which I am looking to connect. So I ask to you my women readers. What does being a woman mean to you? I appreciate your feedback and your honesty.
In love and light,
Jocelyn
I had a therapy session today and one of the major focuses was body image and my ability to complete disconnect myself from being a woman as means of protecting myself from pain. I don't know where or when it all began but I have what I logically know is a very "off" image of self. This is a very hard post for me to write because there is no wry humor or off color remarks when it comes to this topic for me. This is very real, very raw and very much a part of my daily life. No matter what size I have been through out my 27 years I have never felt attractive, or sexy. I struggled with anorexia thoroughout the end of high school and the beginning of college and then moved to alcohol and pills and then I suppose when I gave up these addictions I just sort of started hiding and letting the anxiety take over my life. The more I hid the more weight I gained and the more I felt the internal weight of the hatred for my body. Now, I know that I am not an enormous woman. And I know that I am probably very much in the "average" but that is not how I feel. The scary part of it for me is that I can look back at pictures of myself 15 lbs lighter or 30 lbs lighter and even 60 lbs lighter and completely emmaciated and underweight and I know that deep down in all those years and all those sizes I felt exactly like I do today.
I am working very hard to heal all aspects of my life but this one here is a very tough and very painful corner for me and I don't really know which direction to turn.. it feels very lonely here. I do not want to hear how beautiful other people think I am because that only accentuates the fact that my image of self does not match up....
One of the things that came up in therapy today was how all this connected with my issues with intimacy and womanhood... on a physical level this ties in with my medical problems and my upcoming surgery. When asked the question "What does being a woman mean for you?" I was filled with sadness and I guess that this is the place from which I am looking to connect. So I ask to you my women readers. What does being a woman mean to you? I appreciate your feedback and your honesty.
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Another Saturday stuck at work!
Hello all! I have a lot to write about today so I am going to try and be a bit organized and hope you all don't get too bored with me... especially as I am not sharing any lovely eye candy today... perhaps if you are good next week I will post some more of my projects.
Okay so AW Week 5 Check In:
1. I only did my morning pages 4 out of 7 days this week. BUT I do not feel guilty about it, which is lovely. I have been much more focused on getting well this week than the structure of the AW process, so I am okay with it. On the days that I did my morning pages I did enjoy them this week with less resistance.
2. This week I did not do my Artist's date. In fact, I had doctor's appointments on all the days that I wasn't at work for 12+ hours so I did not want to "schedule" any more of my off time. In lieu of the artist's date however this week I did spend more time than usual in my studio creating art.
3. don't feel like answering this this week.
4. I would say my ability to set aside the structure and rules of AW and just allow myself to create and heal this week was pretty signifigant to my recovery. I had more confidence in my creations as well. I can't wait to share my matchbook shrine with yall!
OKay that is all for the check in this week. Today I am stuck at work for an amazing 12 hour shift which I am none too excited about. My car is in the shop so my husband has to drive me to and from work all weekend and we are expecting a big snow storm tommorow... joy oh joy. Oh the upside I started a new novel which I am really enjoying it is One For the Money by Janet Evanovich which is the first of 11 that are in the series about Stephanie Plum who is a crazy cool bounty hunter. My therapist told me if I didn't like them I couldnt tell her as she could no longer be my friend so I was a little worried... but man, it is funny and I wish I could read all day instead of doing work! I am definitly checking the rest of them out of the library to read post op in my recovery do nothing time... now I am reallly excited!
Okay the last thing I am going to address today is that I have been tagged by both http://harmoneyinline.blogspot.com and Eliza from http://sixfootone.blogspot.com So ladies here it is
1. Four wishes, dreams and desires:
a. to open a private massage and polarity practice in my home.
b. to own a digital camera
c. to visit the Greek isles
d. to obtain a bachelors degree
2. Four imaginary lives:
a. An ecelctic author of romance novels.
b. A full time artist with an amazing studio.
c. The lead actress in a Broadway musical in NYC.
d. to be a mom
3. Four things I should change:
a. my job
b. how often I use the phrase "I should..."
c. my excercise regime
d. the amount I eat sweets.
4. Four things I like about Artist's Way:
a. I love doing the writing tasks on Monday and Tues while I am at work
b. I love the feeling of community we have in the way we are doing it together.
c. I love the essays each week and find her writing very insightful.
d. I am beginning to love the morning pages.
5. Four things I hope to get out of the Artist's Way:
a. Confidence in my creating.
b. Clarity of my goals
c. Contiued sisterhood
d. Love for myself and my inner artist.
Okay I am all worn out now so I am going to be a stinker and I am not going to tag anybody today... perhaps tommorow, we'll have to wait and see. I hope you are all doing well and taking car of yourselves and your souls.
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Hello all! I have a lot to write about today so I am going to try and be a bit organized and hope you all don't get too bored with me... especially as I am not sharing any lovely eye candy today... perhaps if you are good next week I will post some more of my projects.
Okay so AW Week 5 Check In:
1. I only did my morning pages 4 out of 7 days this week. BUT I do not feel guilty about it, which is lovely. I have been much more focused on getting well this week than the structure of the AW process, so I am okay with it. On the days that I did my morning pages I did enjoy them this week with less resistance.
2. This week I did not do my Artist's date. In fact, I had doctor's appointments on all the days that I wasn't at work for 12+ hours so I did not want to "schedule" any more of my off time. In lieu of the artist's date however this week I did spend more time than usual in my studio creating art.
3. don't feel like answering this this week.
4. I would say my ability to set aside the structure and rules of AW and just allow myself to create and heal this week was pretty signifigant to my recovery. I had more confidence in my creations as well. I can't wait to share my matchbook shrine with yall!
OKay that is all for the check in this week. Today I am stuck at work for an amazing 12 hour shift which I am none too excited about. My car is in the shop so my husband has to drive me to and from work all weekend and we are expecting a big snow storm tommorow... joy oh joy. Oh the upside I started a new novel which I am really enjoying it is One For the Money by Janet Evanovich which is the first of 11 that are in the series about Stephanie Plum who is a crazy cool bounty hunter. My therapist told me if I didn't like them I couldnt tell her as she could no longer be my friend so I was a little worried... but man, it is funny and I wish I could read all day instead of doing work! I am definitly checking the rest of them out of the library to read post op in my recovery do nothing time... now I am reallly excited!
Okay the last thing I am going to address today is that I have been tagged by both http://harmoneyinline.blogspot.com and Eliza from http://sixfootone.blogspot.com So ladies here it is
1. Four wishes, dreams and desires:
a. to open a private massage and polarity practice in my home.
b. to own a digital camera
c. to visit the Greek isles
d. to obtain a bachelors degree
2. Four imaginary lives:
a. An ecelctic author of romance novels.
b. A full time artist with an amazing studio.
c. The lead actress in a Broadway musical in NYC.
d. to be a mom
3. Four things I should change:
a. my job
b. how often I use the phrase "I should..."
c. my excercise regime
d. the amount I eat sweets.
4. Four things I like about Artist's Way:
a. I love doing the writing tasks on Monday and Tues while I am at work
b. I love the feeling of community we have in the way we are doing it together.
c. I love the essays each week and find her writing very insightful.
d. I am beginning to love the morning pages.
5. Four things I hope to get out of the Artist's Way:
a. Confidence in my creating.
b. Clarity of my goals
c. Contiued sisterhood
d. Love for myself and my inner artist.
Okay I am all worn out now so I am going to be a stinker and I am not going to tag anybody today... perhaps tommorow, we'll have to wait and see. I hope you are all doing well and taking car of yourselves and your souls.
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Hello my blogery friends! This is my very first Artist Trading Card and I am so very proud of it. I watercolored the background paper and then stamped and embelished it. This has been my joy of the week thus far.I am feeling really disconnected from my blog. Pehaps because I have spent so much time lately creating rather than writing about creating. I guess I am at a place in my healing where I am celebrating my growth and healing in the creation of my arts. Though, I am having a difficult time not feeling guilty for my lack of passion when it comes to this here blog. Ah well it is all part of process. Today I had my therapy session over the phone as my car is without a working transmission and therfor I am housebound until it gets fixed next week.
I want to talk for a moment about this over the phone buisness. The session itself was validating and wonderful as usual. What I find so extraodinary is the fact that my therapist was willing to take the time and just have a conversation with me off the clock. I think that I got so used to sublevel medical care that when one of my doctors goes above and beyond like this I am completely bowled over. Another example is my amazing OBGYN who is performing my surgery in 3 weeks. She is going into private practice in a couple weeks and called me yesterday in between surgeries from the hosipital just to put my mind at ease that she still intends to care for me. She too is absolutely amazing. I know how frustrating it can be to be unhappy with the level of care you recieve from your doctors. I just want to encourage people who are unhappy to seek put a better situation and not settle as I setteled for so long. Having a couple of doctors that I feel are really in my corner has made a tremendous diffence in all aspects of my healing including the value I put upon myself.
On that note, tommorow is a day filled with pre-op appointments. I am actually looking forward to meeting with my anestheiologist and nurse so that I feel better prepared. I will try to check in tommorow and tell you all how it goes but if I do not get a chance I will be back over the weekend.
Oh and by the way.... that job I hate so much... I am leaving it soon! After the surgery and postcare I will be moving on and am just exstatic as can be about that!
Hope all of you being of light are living well!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Artist's Way Week 4 Check In
1. I did my morning pages 6 out of 7 days this week. It felt like I didn't really have anything to say in my pages this week. It made them hard to get through and frustrating. I did not want to do them this week.
2. I did go on my artist's date this week. I took my inner artist to Michaels and AC Moore craft stores and spent a couple of hours perusing and picking up treats for myself. Then I went home and taught my inner artist how to make chocolate mousse! It was a really lovely day!
3. I can't say that I noticed any syncronicity this week- though I was feeling pretty disconnected so I very well could have missed it!
4. I joined the yahoo group clothpaperstudio and found a whole new group of creative supporters. I m starting to recognize the divide that I have created between artistic and crafty as a safety for myself. I am trying to find a balance of both expressions in my life and an equal appreciation and respect for both of these aspects of myself.
So that is all she wrote for my check in this week! Now on to bigger and brighter things!
I am stuck at work again for another 12 hour day. It is loud here today. All the leasing department have taken over my normally quiet little bay and there is horrible music being played in the cubicle next to me. Not to mention most of the men in the leasing department are loud and showy... icky. I wish they would all go home and leave me in peace and quiet. Crappy energy in here today.
I have been pretty busy today but I did manage to spend some surfing the net. One of the women from my birthday group on clothpaperstudio is Gina. It is her birthday month for February. That means that all the other members of the group send her a little something like an embelished tag or Artist's trading card. I was working really hard all week putting stuff together for her that I am pretty proud of. THEN I found that she has a buisness and a website www.sweetwatersisters.com I checked out some of her mixed media work and OMG this woman really does some amazing stuff! I was drooling over the sister circle journal pages sooooo beautiful. But now I have inner critics creeping in about my work. I am really new at Mixed Media and have been having a lot of fun with it but I am starting to feel itimidated now that I see what some of these other ladies are doing. Ah well perhaps the more I practice the better I will feel about my work.
Okay I am getting a headache and a great deal of impatience with my job so I shall say farewell for today. Perhaps tommorow I will be able to write from a better place!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
1. I did my morning pages 6 out of 7 days this week. It felt like I didn't really have anything to say in my pages this week. It made them hard to get through and frustrating. I did not want to do them this week.
2. I did go on my artist's date this week. I took my inner artist to Michaels and AC Moore craft stores and spent a couple of hours perusing and picking up treats for myself. Then I went home and taught my inner artist how to make chocolate mousse! It was a really lovely day!
3. I can't say that I noticed any syncronicity this week- though I was feeling pretty disconnected so I very well could have missed it!
4. I joined the yahoo group clothpaperstudio and found a whole new group of creative supporters. I m starting to recognize the divide that I have created between artistic and crafty as a safety for myself. I am trying to find a balance of both expressions in my life and an equal appreciation and respect for both of these aspects of myself.
So that is all she wrote for my check in this week! Now on to bigger and brighter things!
I am stuck at work again for another 12 hour day. It is loud here today. All the leasing department have taken over my normally quiet little bay and there is horrible music being played in the cubicle next to me. Not to mention most of the men in the leasing department are loud and showy... icky. I wish they would all go home and leave me in peace and quiet. Crappy energy in here today.
I have been pretty busy today but I did manage to spend some surfing the net. One of the women from my birthday group on clothpaperstudio is Gina. It is her birthday month for February. That means that all the other members of the group send her a little something like an embelished tag or Artist's trading card. I was working really hard all week putting stuff together for her that I am pretty proud of. THEN I found that she has a buisness and a website www.sweetwatersisters.com I checked out some of her mixed media work and OMG this woman really does some amazing stuff! I was drooling over the sister circle journal pages sooooo beautiful. But now I have inner critics creeping in about my work. I am really new at Mixed Media and have been having a lot of fun with it but I am starting to feel itimidated now that I see what some of these other ladies are doing. Ah well perhaps the more I practice the better I will feel about my work.
Okay I am getting a headache and a great deal of impatience with my job so I shall say farewell for today. Perhaps tommorow I will be able to write from a better place!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Friday, February 03, 2006
Good Evening Friends!
It has been so weird to not blog all week this week due to my reading deprivation for the Artist's Way process. I have felt really disconnected. Not only from not writing but especially from not reading the blogs I generally keep up with. Tommorow is going to be a big day of catch up... hope it is slow at work!
This has been a good week overall I have gotten involved with a yahoo group clothpaperstudio which has been exciting. I am learning new mixed media collage techniques and spending a lot of creative time in my little studio. I am a bit bummed that my collage Adult Ed class got cancelled. It was supposed to start next week and evidently there wasnt enough interest. BUMMER! I am having a hard time finding affordable collage classes, if anyone has any online class resources they could turn me onto I would appreciate it!
Well, I am fading iknto dream land here folks. I will be much more exciting tommorow I do promise you that! I hope all of my readers are doing well and that you dont feel neglected by my week of absence!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
It has been so weird to not blog all week this week due to my reading deprivation for the Artist's Way process. I have felt really disconnected. Not only from not writing but especially from not reading the blogs I generally keep up with. Tommorow is going to be a big day of catch up... hope it is slow at work!
This has been a good week overall I have gotten involved with a yahoo group clothpaperstudio which has been exciting. I am learning new mixed media collage techniques and spending a lot of creative time in my little studio. I am a bit bummed that my collage Adult Ed class got cancelled. It was supposed to start next week and evidently there wasnt enough interest. BUMMER! I am having a hard time finding affordable collage classes, if anyone has any online class resources they could turn me onto I would appreciate it!
Well, I am fading iknto dream land here folks. I will be much more exciting tommorow I do promise you that! I hope all of my readers are doing well and that you dont feel neglected by my week of absence!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
I am tired, sweaty and stuck at work.
All of this makes me a bit crabby. Actually I have been frequently crabby this week. Disjointed and disconnected and disconcerted for that matter. It has been an icky week. And now here I am sitting at my computer at the mouth of hell and writing my blog.
So we are at the end of week 3 in the artist's way which is crazy in itself. I am going to share my weekly check in again. So here we go:
1. I did my morning pages every day this week. I still enjoy doing them, it is becoming more of a habit and I am finding that I run out of things to write earlier than in the beginning of this journey. I think this is a good thing.
2. Yes, I actually did my artist's date this week and it was okay. I read through about 1/2 of the hollywood gossip magazine I had set aside and enjoyed about 35 minutes of silence in my home, but then I got bored and took a nap. I liked the nap better than the date so I am going to make the nap my date.
3. Yes I did notice a weird syncronicity this week. My friend Jessica emailed me . She is also a fan of the Artist's way and has just started watercolor painting.. hmmmm
4. I had a difficult time with some of the childhood tasks this week. I also found that some of the tasks made me realize that I have built a really amazing support system for myself outside of my family.
OKay that is the end of Week 3. Now I have done the reading for Week 4. I am feeling nervous and resistant to the reading deprivation. I am going to make a commitment to it from Monday to Friday of this week. SO for all the blogs that I religiously read and comment, please don't feel neglected and I will return next weekend to catch up. That being said, it may be too much temptation to hop online so I may not update my blog this week either after tommorow so if that is the case please know that I haven't abandoned ship I am just taking a little break in support of the "process" I am getting even more cranky just thinking about it.... I might have a tantrum. Hmmm that actuallly sounds like something that would proably be really good for me. What do you all think... are you fans of the occasional tanrum?
Okay that is all for today. My job is melting my brain and making me very unenteratining indeed ! Hopefully I will have more inspiration or at least entertaining words tommorow!
Oh bother!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
All of this makes me a bit crabby. Actually I have been frequently crabby this week. Disjointed and disconnected and disconcerted for that matter. It has been an icky week. And now here I am sitting at my computer at the mouth of hell and writing my blog.
So we are at the end of week 3 in the artist's way which is crazy in itself. I am going to share my weekly check in again. So here we go:
1. I did my morning pages every day this week. I still enjoy doing them, it is becoming more of a habit and I am finding that I run out of things to write earlier than in the beginning of this journey. I think this is a good thing.
2. Yes, I actually did my artist's date this week and it was okay. I read through about 1/2 of the hollywood gossip magazine I had set aside and enjoyed about 35 minutes of silence in my home, but then I got bored and took a nap. I liked the nap better than the date so I am going to make the nap my date.
3. Yes I did notice a weird syncronicity this week. My friend Jessica emailed me . She is also a fan of the Artist's way and has just started watercolor painting.. hmmmm
4. I had a difficult time with some of the childhood tasks this week. I also found that some of the tasks made me realize that I have built a really amazing support system for myself outside of my family.
OKay that is the end of Week 3. Now I have done the reading for Week 4. I am feeling nervous and resistant to the reading deprivation. I am going to make a commitment to it from Monday to Friday of this week. SO for all the blogs that I religiously read and comment, please don't feel neglected and I will return next weekend to catch up. That being said, it may be too much temptation to hop online so I may not update my blog this week either after tommorow so if that is the case please know that I haven't abandoned ship I am just taking a little break in support of the "process" I am getting even more cranky just thinking about it.... I might have a tantrum. Hmmm that actuallly sounds like something that would proably be really good for me. What do you all think... are you fans of the occasional tanrum?
Okay that is all for today. My job is melting my brain and making me very unenteratining indeed ! Hopefully I will have more inspiration or at least entertaining words tommorow!
Oh bother!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Hello! Above is my first submittion to Mixed Media Memoirs and I am very excited about how it turned out! This has been a good art week for me. I started working with the acrylic paints that I recieved from Erin's family last week. I have had alot of fun with that. I have also been able to keep up with my morning pages and am going to start this week's artist date as soon as I finish with my blog here! This week's date is a steaming cup of tea and a couple of Hollywood gossip magazines and a silent house.... oh and then I am going to take a nap.... oh lala. I want to share one of the tasks from this week. 3 of my obvious rotten habits and my subtle rotten habits. The obvious ones are 1. I eat chocolate in excess on a daily basis. 2. I only excercise like twice a week at a maximum and 3. I take sleeping pills every night. My subtle rotten habits are 1. I beat myself up about rotten habits 1 and 2. 2. I smoke when I am at Erin's house even though I quit smoking months ago. 3. I neglect my self care. Hmmm the tasks this week have not been easy for me and I will talk about it more on Saturday with the weekly check in. I think mostly it is all this looking back into my childhood stuff. It's not that I had a horrible childhood by any means it's just that a lot of my self image and esteem issues are very deeply rooted in the past and it makes it difficult and uncomfortable to explore that territory. I did have a very productive therapy session yesterday where we addressed some communication skills that I can work on to improve my ability to stand up for myself with my family ..... this is tough stuff for me.
I am feeling like this post is really disjointed. Perhaps that is the theme for me this week. I have been feeling out of sorts on and off all week. Emotionally and physically. I am adjusting to the Effexor which I have been on about a week now. I have also been eating like crap and not excercising all week so that doesn't help matters. I did get up this morning, work out and ate a really solid breakfast and lunch which did improve the way I feel a bit but I am starting to bottom out again. SOOO I think I shall take my nap now and make my self care the priority for my day and see if I survive or if my whole world falls apart! Gotta work on those bad habits sometime!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Miss Banana, This one's for you!
So here we are on Sunday. I am feeling cranky and groggy. I have been at work for 8 hours and I have 4 more to go and I do not want to be here. I am thinking of my paints sitting at home and all the creative ideas that I would love to be experimenting with. Alas I cannot as I am stuck in a dusty building which I truly do believe to be situated over the mouth of Hell (yes, just like Sunnydale High School) I am talking to whiny clients over the phone booking car rentals that I don't give one iota about and wasting my time away.... I hate my job. Granted it is only temporary. Granted I have other things in my life that fill up my soul. Granted I am doing everything in my power to create and implement a life plan that will get me out of this place. BUT today this is where I am and I am not very happy about it. But enough of this nonsense. My friend Miss. Banana has asked me to share the Mexican Casserole recipe I was raving about yesterday from last week's date night, so me being the nice lady that I am is going to do just that. Now this is not actually MY recipe. I did find it somewhere online and I don't remember where but if the actual creator of this recipe is out there, thank you!
Mexican Casserole
1 lb ground beef
1 tablespoon veggie oil
1 clove garlic
1/2 cup each onion and green pepper chopped
1 teaspoon each salt and chili powder
1 16 oz can kidney beans drained
2 1/2 cups chopped tomatoes with juice (from can)
3/4 cup uncooked instant brown rice
3/4 cup grated cheese (I like the mixed cheese and I use way more that this)
1. Brown beef in oil add garlic. Add onion and pepper. Cook until the onion is transparent.
2.Drain the fat off. In a 2 quart casserole dish combine meat mixture, salt, chili powder, beans, tomatoes, and rice.
3. Bake covered at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Uncover and sprinkle with cheese, bake an additional 15 minutes uncovered.
4.Serve!
So there you have it, this casserole, Scene It and your honey and you have yourself a lovely little date! I hope you all enjoy.
Okay I think I am going to close this up for today. I don't have anything inspiring to write about so I figure I will just stay at work and wallow for a while. I hope you are all doing better than me today!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
So here we are on Sunday. I am feeling cranky and groggy. I have been at work for 8 hours and I have 4 more to go and I do not want to be here. I am thinking of my paints sitting at home and all the creative ideas that I would love to be experimenting with. Alas I cannot as I am stuck in a dusty building which I truly do believe to be situated over the mouth of Hell (yes, just like Sunnydale High School) I am talking to whiny clients over the phone booking car rentals that I don't give one iota about and wasting my time away.... I hate my job. Granted it is only temporary. Granted I have other things in my life that fill up my soul. Granted I am doing everything in my power to create and implement a life plan that will get me out of this place. BUT today this is where I am and I am not very happy about it. But enough of this nonsense. My friend Miss. Banana has asked me to share the Mexican Casserole recipe I was raving about yesterday from last week's date night, so me being the nice lady that I am is going to do just that. Now this is not actually MY recipe. I did find it somewhere online and I don't remember where but if the actual creator of this recipe is out there, thank you!
Mexican Casserole
1 lb ground beef
1 tablespoon veggie oil
1 clove garlic
1/2 cup each onion and green pepper chopped
1 teaspoon each salt and chili powder
1 16 oz can kidney beans drained
2 1/2 cups chopped tomatoes with juice (from can)
3/4 cup uncooked instant brown rice
3/4 cup grated cheese (I like the mixed cheese and I use way more that this)
1. Brown beef in oil add garlic. Add onion and pepper. Cook until the onion is transparent.
2.Drain the fat off. In a 2 quart casserole dish combine meat mixture, salt, chili powder, beans, tomatoes, and rice.
3. Bake covered at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Uncover and sprinkle with cheese, bake an additional 15 minutes uncovered.
4.Serve!
So there you have it, this casserole, Scene It and your honey and you have yourself a lovely little date! I hope you all enjoy.
Okay I think I am going to close this up for today. I don't have anything inspiring to write about so I figure I will just stay at work and wallow for a while. I hope you are all doing better than me today!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Saturday, January 21, 2006
I'm Back!
Well here we are the end of week 2 of The Artist's Way... I can't believe how fast it is going. I am going to start my blog today with this week's check in.
#1. This week I did my morning pages 5 out of 7 days. The first day that I missed I just completely forgot about it and then yesterday I didnt do them as I didnt feel well and it just wasn't part of my truth. I am still proud of myself for sticking with the. I am not resistant to this piece of the work.
#2. I did not do my artist's date this week and I honestly feel increadibly guilty about it. I know now that scheduling it for Friday does not work. I need to do my artist's date on Wednesday or Thursday morning. Next week I will make it a priority.
#3. Nothing new is really coming in for me this week. The continued theme is finding balance and I seem to be pushed in the direction of painting which is pretty exciting!
So there it is. I am looking forward to doing the reading for week 3 today. I am stuck at work for 12 hours so I should have plenty of time to absorb the information. So now I want to talk about my last couple of days. Yesteday I had a wonderful morning with my friend Erin. We went up to Freeport and had tea with her parents and then I was allowed to raid the closet filled with her aunts old art supplies. I ended up with a rather large selection of oil and acrylic paints and some canvases. I am very excited about this however I am also a touch nervous. I am afraid of the oil paints cuz I dont know anything about them as far as maintaining brushes ect and even the acrylics because I have no idea what kind of paper to use or anything. So next week I shall have to make a trip down to the art store and speak with someone there and hopefully get some help without looking like an idiot.. hmmm we'll see I get really anxious about stuff like this.
ON another note, my husband and I had "date night"on Wednesday night. It was really really lovely. We snuggeled in at home and played Scene It (which I am now obsessed with) and ate mexican casserole (which I am now also obsessed with) It was so nice to just spend a couple of hours together without his stress from nursing school and my stress from (well just from being me I guess) anyway, that was that and it was lovely for that matter.
I also started working on a multimedia collage for Melba's page this week under the theme "this is me" Unfortunately I did not get it all together and will not have time by Monday so I am really disappointed about that. I had planned to finish it Thrusday or Friday but it didn't work out. On Thursday I found out that my surgery will be on March 1st and I have a bunch of pre-op stuff on Feb 9th. Now knowing the date has made the whole surgery bit very very really which is kind of yucky. Then on Friday I started my new medication Effexor and it made me feel a bit under the weather for the afternoon and evening. In fact I went to bed at 6pm :( So I guess I should say I had some really nice moments this week but I also had some disappointments and today I am feeling the disappointments more. I guess part of it is adjusting to the new medication and getting back into the swing of working and whatnot but I am just feeling kinda down today. SO I am going to leave it at that and try to get into The Artist's Way week 3 and see where the day takes me. I hope all is well with all of you lovely angels!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Well here we are the end of week 2 of The Artist's Way... I can't believe how fast it is going. I am going to start my blog today with this week's check in.
#1. This week I did my morning pages 5 out of 7 days. The first day that I missed I just completely forgot about it and then yesterday I didnt do them as I didnt feel well and it just wasn't part of my truth. I am still proud of myself for sticking with the. I am not resistant to this piece of the work.
#2. I did not do my artist's date this week and I honestly feel increadibly guilty about it. I know now that scheduling it for Friday does not work. I need to do my artist's date on Wednesday or Thursday morning. Next week I will make it a priority.
#3. Nothing new is really coming in for me this week. The continued theme is finding balance and I seem to be pushed in the direction of painting which is pretty exciting!
So there it is. I am looking forward to doing the reading for week 3 today. I am stuck at work for 12 hours so I should have plenty of time to absorb the information. So now I want to talk about my last couple of days. Yesteday I had a wonderful morning with my friend Erin. We went up to Freeport and had tea with her parents and then I was allowed to raid the closet filled with her aunts old art supplies. I ended up with a rather large selection of oil and acrylic paints and some canvases. I am very excited about this however I am also a touch nervous. I am afraid of the oil paints cuz I dont know anything about them as far as maintaining brushes ect and even the acrylics because I have no idea what kind of paper to use or anything. So next week I shall have to make a trip down to the art store and speak with someone there and hopefully get some help without looking like an idiot.. hmmm we'll see I get really anxious about stuff like this.
ON another note, my husband and I had "date night"on Wednesday night. It was really really lovely. We snuggeled in at home and played Scene It (which I am now obsessed with) and ate mexican casserole (which I am now also obsessed with) It was so nice to just spend a couple of hours together without his stress from nursing school and my stress from (well just from being me I guess) anyway, that was that and it was lovely for that matter.
I also started working on a multimedia collage for Melba's page this week under the theme "this is me" Unfortunately I did not get it all together and will not have time by Monday so I am really disappointed about that. I had planned to finish it Thrusday or Friday but it didn't work out. On Thursday I found out that my surgery will be on March 1st and I have a bunch of pre-op stuff on Feb 9th. Now knowing the date has made the whole surgery bit very very really which is kind of yucky. Then on Friday I started my new medication Effexor and it made me feel a bit under the weather for the afternoon and evening. In fact I went to bed at 6pm :( So I guess I should say I had some really nice moments this week but I also had some disappointments and today I am feeling the disappointments more. I guess part of it is adjusting to the new medication and getting back into the swing of working and whatnot but I am just feeling kinda down today. SO I am going to leave it at that and try to get into The Artist's Way week 3 and see where the day takes me. I hope all is well with all of you lovely angels!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Here we are on Tuesday!
I wanted to take a moment to express how overjoyed I am about all of the amazing feedback I am getting on this here blog! The fact that I have dear friends, and old friends and strangers reading my words and supporting me in such an amazing way brings me to tears of joy... thank you. On that note, it has been a long and exhausting day so rather than write today I am going to share some visuals with you lovely people. Firstly will be my "Life Pie" from the Artist's Way week 2 (keep up the amazing work all you AWer's out there!) and secondly the art that the life pie excercise sparked in me... hmmmmmmm
I send you all angels of joy to buzz blissfully arounds you while you sleep.
In love and light,
Jocelyn
I wanted to take a moment to express how overjoyed I am about all of the amazing feedback I am getting on this here blog! The fact that I have dear friends, and old friends and strangers reading my words and supporting me in such an amazing way brings me to tears of joy... thank you. On that note, it has been a long and exhausting day so rather than write today I am going to share some visuals with you lovely people. Firstly will be my "Life Pie" from the Artist's Way week 2 (keep up the amazing work all you AWer's out there!) and secondly the art that the life pie excercise sparked in me... hmmmmmmm
I send you all angels of joy to buzz blissfully arounds you while you sleep.
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Poor Neglected Blog.
Good Evening friends! I have neglected my blog this weekend. I work 12 hour shifts on Saturday, Sunday and Mondays in a job that I detest to the core of my being. It makes it hard to share from a positive place on these days but today, I am going to give it my all. I shall start by sharing my version of the week one check in:
1. I did my morning pages everyday. I thought this would be my biggest challenge but in fact I have really enjoyed them. It has helped me sort through a lot of stuff this week with the news of my upcoming surgery and whatnot.
2. I did do my artist's date on Friday. I gave myself a tarot reading with the resounding message of BALANCE. I found myself really resistant to commiting to an Artist's date and couldnt quite pinpoint why. I know I was anxious and didnt really want to leave the apartment but that is pretty normal for me on Fridays. I'll have to see how I feel about it in the coming weeks.
3. The resounding messages this week were of balance, connecting, quieting the mind and recieving. I feel all of these lessons are just beginning to unfold and I look forward to the work I will do with each of them.
SO that is it for the offical week one check in share. Now onto what has been going on in my life today. I have found that through all the work that I am doing in therapy and with the artist's way and rediscovering myself and my joy, I am changing rapidly and healing a tremendous amount. One of the hardest things I am running into right now is that as I heal and work towards the life that I want, the things that aren't working, aren't in my truth and that I am just kind of doing to "get by" are becoming more and more difficult, painful, frustrating ect. I, like so many others, have a lot of anxiety when it comes to change surrounding my job. I can always come up with a million excuses why I cannot leave this job that I hate so much. Granted some of them are valid as in, for example: I am having surgery within 4 weeks, now is not the time to lose or change your health insurance provider. Okay so RIGHT now is not the time to leave BUT I am feeling a desparate need to have a solid plan A and a solid plan B. I am feeling overwhelmed with desparation to know that I will never again in my life have to endure a job that makes me as unhappy as this one does. So that being said I know that my plan A surrounds building a private practice of massage and polarity clients once my husband graduates from nursing school. I also know that one of my deep down desires is to become a published author and to explore more mediums of art. The thing of it is that the universe is screaming at me to have a plan B and to do something now. Even if it is not the ideal situation, a little change to a better situation. I guess what it comes down to is that I need to determine the baby steps to my dream and figure out which ones I can start to take now so that I may embrace my joy along the way. On that note, and thinking of my plan B, I started looking into the associates liberal arts degree through the local community college. I spent some time in college right after highschool and managed to acquire about 21 credits but I didn't do well. It has always been one of my dreams to one day have a degree of some sort (besides my massage licsense). I kind of gave up on the dream a little bit and managed to convince myself that I wasn't smart or commited enough and that the cost of such an education would be a waste. ICK I do not like that I said this to myself... it's downright rotten. SO here I am in the middle of all this change and thoughts of even more change and ya know what? Surprisingly I am doing okay. Thank you all for your loving support and know that I cherish you all for your role in my healing journey.
In love and light and a little bit of chaos,
Jocelyn
Good Evening friends! I have neglected my blog this weekend. I work 12 hour shifts on Saturday, Sunday and Mondays in a job that I detest to the core of my being. It makes it hard to share from a positive place on these days but today, I am going to give it my all. I shall start by sharing my version of the week one check in:
1. I did my morning pages everyday. I thought this would be my biggest challenge but in fact I have really enjoyed them. It has helped me sort through a lot of stuff this week with the news of my upcoming surgery and whatnot.
2. I did do my artist's date on Friday. I gave myself a tarot reading with the resounding message of BALANCE. I found myself really resistant to commiting to an Artist's date and couldnt quite pinpoint why. I know I was anxious and didnt really want to leave the apartment but that is pretty normal for me on Fridays. I'll have to see how I feel about it in the coming weeks.
3. The resounding messages this week were of balance, connecting, quieting the mind and recieving. I feel all of these lessons are just beginning to unfold and I look forward to the work I will do with each of them.
SO that is it for the offical week one check in share. Now onto what has been going on in my life today. I have found that through all the work that I am doing in therapy and with the artist's way and rediscovering myself and my joy, I am changing rapidly and healing a tremendous amount. One of the hardest things I am running into right now is that as I heal and work towards the life that I want, the things that aren't working, aren't in my truth and that I am just kind of doing to "get by" are becoming more and more difficult, painful, frustrating ect. I, like so many others, have a lot of anxiety when it comes to change surrounding my job. I can always come up with a million excuses why I cannot leave this job that I hate so much. Granted some of them are valid as in, for example: I am having surgery within 4 weeks, now is not the time to lose or change your health insurance provider. Okay so RIGHT now is not the time to leave BUT I am feeling a desparate need to have a solid plan A and a solid plan B. I am feeling overwhelmed with desparation to know that I will never again in my life have to endure a job that makes me as unhappy as this one does. So that being said I know that my plan A surrounds building a private practice of massage and polarity clients once my husband graduates from nursing school. I also know that one of my deep down desires is to become a published author and to explore more mediums of art. The thing of it is that the universe is screaming at me to have a plan B and to do something now. Even if it is not the ideal situation, a little change to a better situation. I guess what it comes down to is that I need to determine the baby steps to my dream and figure out which ones I can start to take now so that I may embrace my joy along the way. On that note, and thinking of my plan B, I started looking into the associates liberal arts degree through the local community college. I spent some time in college right after highschool and managed to acquire about 21 credits but I didn't do well. It has always been one of my dreams to one day have a degree of some sort (besides my massage licsense). I kind of gave up on the dream a little bit and managed to convince myself that I wasn't smart or commited enough and that the cost of such an education would be a waste. ICK I do not like that I said this to myself... it's downright rotten. SO here I am in the middle of all this change and thoughts of even more change and ya know what? Surprisingly I am doing okay. Thank you all for your loving support and know that I cherish you all for your role in my healing journey.
In love and light and a little bit of chaos,
Jocelyn
Friday, January 13, 2006
Good day to all of you amazing beings. Today I want to share a part of my Artist's Date with you. For my date this week I got out my candles and crystals and chimes and incense and I gave myself a tarot reading, which I haven't done in years. The main message the reading got across to me was BALANCE. Balance is crucial at this point in my journey and learning the art of balance is where my attention should be focused.
After the tarot reading I decided to bring out my Healing With The Angels cards by the amazing Doreen Virtue. I am struggling with the anxiety of my impending surgery. I had nightmares about it last night and am feeling very nervous today. Anyway, I opened myself up and asked my angels for assistance, clarity and love and this is the card that they sent me. I am going to write out the meaning as Doreen puts it below. Perhaps I will write again today but if not I wish you all a lovely Friday and hey, week one of the Artist's Way is coming to a close. Blessings to us all for an amazing job on week one!!
MEDITATION: A quiet mind hears the voice of the angels more easily. This card is your angels way of asking you to quiet your mind so that your angelic communications are loud and clear. First thing in the morning, spend at least five minutes with your eyes closed, and breathe deeply three or four times. Ask your angels a question, and then listen as intently as you would a dear friend. Don't strain to listen; if you chase the answer, it will evade you. Instead, continue to breathe in and out deeply, and allow yourself to relax. Tell yourself that recieving angelic communication is natural for you, and that it is actually an everyday experience. The more you relax your mind, the easier it is for you to hear the answer. (Doreen Virtue)
In love and light,
Jocelyn
Thursday, January 12, 2006
A kind of Crappy Day
Well here we are another day in The Artist's Way. So my activity that I am going to share today is the one about 5 other lives. I had a lot of fun with this one. The excercise was esentially to choose 5 other lives that I would love to be living. Here are mine:
1. A lead actress in a broadway musical with an amazing home in New York City.
2. A social worker. A strong powerful woman exuding compassion and joy.
3. An artist. Able to support myself entirely from my art.
4. A novelist.
5.A folk/rock muscian.
All very exciting prospects. So, now about my kind of crappy day. I found out today that I will be having laprascopic surgery within the next 4 weeks. I had the same surgery in 1999 and I know that it is not too too scary but it is unnerving. I will need to take some time off from work. In any case I am unsetteled by this news. I think what is most unsettleing to me is that I feel I know the cosmic reason that this has come down to pike to me at this time. I do believe that this is the universe presenting a lesson to me in recieveing. This is something that I, like many women stuggle contiunously with. The art of recieving and not feeling the need to even the scales so to speak. I find myself very uncomfortable when someone does something for me or gives something to me and I don't have the ability to immediately do something in return. Through the short recovery time from this surgery I will be forced to compassionately recieve from my friends and husband. The lesson for me will be how to accomplish this with grace and without guilt.
hmmmm my heart is humming.
In love and light,
Jocelyn
p.s I have worked on some watercolor backgrounds today and am hoping to have some art to share with you tommorow. Pending the computer gods are on my side.
Well here we are another day in The Artist's Way. So my activity that I am going to share today is the one about 5 other lives. I had a lot of fun with this one. The excercise was esentially to choose 5 other lives that I would love to be living. Here are mine:
1. A lead actress in a broadway musical with an amazing home in New York City.
2. A social worker. A strong powerful woman exuding compassion and joy.
3. An artist. Able to support myself entirely from my art.
4. A novelist.
5.A folk/rock muscian.
All very exciting prospects. So, now about my kind of crappy day. I found out today that I will be having laprascopic surgery within the next 4 weeks. I had the same surgery in 1999 and I know that it is not too too scary but it is unnerving. I will need to take some time off from work. In any case I am unsetteled by this news. I think what is most unsettleing to me is that I feel I know the cosmic reason that this has come down to pike to me at this time. I do believe that this is the universe presenting a lesson to me in recieveing. This is something that I, like many women stuggle contiunously with. The art of recieving and not feeling the need to even the scales so to speak. I find myself very uncomfortable when someone does something for me or gives something to me and I don't have the ability to immediately do something in return. Through the short recovery time from this surgery I will be forced to compassionately recieve from my friends and husband. The lesson for me will be how to accomplish this with grace and without guilt.
hmmmm my heart is humming.
In love and light,
Jocelyn
p.s I have worked on some watercolor backgrounds today and am hoping to have some art to share with you tommorow. Pending the computer gods are on my side.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Here's my champion!Another Day!
Well here we are another day on The Artist's Way journey. Today was another long day of work and I actually made it to the gym today which was very exciting indeed! I have decided that in my entry today I am going to share a couple of the Artist's Way tasks that I have worked on. The first is to share my affirmation of the week. I find it increadibly powerful. It is an affirmation that my massage therapy teacher, Karl shared with me and it stuck. If this affirmation resonates with you I encourage you to experiment with it!
I love my body and I trust it's wisdom.
I also want to share one of my "Champions of my Creative Self-Worth"
One of the amazing women in my life has become one of my number one cheerleaders when it comes to my healing journey and my creative, authentic self. Her name is Erin and I want to introduce this amazing being to you. Erin is willing to support me in any way I need. From creative support vocally , to accompaning me on creative journeys to being my emotional touchstone in all times of need. Erin is like my good angel here in this dimension. She makes me laugh, let's me cry, holds my hand and shoves me square in the behind when necessary. I love her dearly and I can safetly say she loves me too just as dearly and that feels really nice to share. Yeah Foley!
So that's all for today my friends, tommorow I see a new doctor who will hopefully have some effective suggestions and assistance for my anxiety crap, I will keep you posted on that very frustrating side road of my journey, I am sure there are those of you out there that can relate to the frustrations of medication experimentation but that is a discussion for another day. Good night!
In love and light,
Jocelyn
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