Another week gone by...


I am starting my day a little differently today. It is Saturday morning at 6:40 am. My work day has just begun and I have decided to blog first thing and see how that sets the mood for the day. I am not wanting to be here today... really I am not wanting to be here any day... but today especially. We have been having our whole office repainted (the interior) and it looks like today is the day they are going to be doing more work on the room I work in.... yeah for 12 hours breathing in paint fumes! This place is such a hole it's unbelievable, really. What little consideration is given to the health of the employees blows my mind. Anyhoo. I do not want to spend my whole blogging time bitching about the job you all know that I hate. I would rather catch you up on the events of the week.

This has been a pretty intense week for me. I applied for two more direct care jobs. One at Spurwink and one at Creative Works. My goal is to find and apply for 2 appropriate jobs a week until I am out of here. It makes me feel good and productive when I have actions to take on a weekly basis. Makes it a little easier to spend the time I have to here in the interum.
I had therapy on Wednesday and we talked a lot about my issues with body image, sexuality and intimacy. Very intense. What I think I have discovered is that I never really developed on a emotional level when it comes to sex. I spent my adolecent years trying to fill a role and please everyone and find the place that I fit that I never accepted myself just as I was and never had the chance to explore sexuality in a safe way. Now here I am at 27 and married and competely out of touch with my body. SO I am going back! My husband and I are going back to the teen years with our physical relationship so that I can explore and become comfortable and learn more about myself. I never had the high school boyfriend or the giggling sexual exploration. My experiences were all very intense and alot of them traumatic. I am very excited about this! On the other front in dealing with my self esteem and body image issues I am working on a mixed media painting to express acceptance of my body as it is right now. All the curves and roundness and beauty of the body I am blessed with. It is going to be a long process pulling all the images out of my head and getting them on the canvas but I spent 2 days this week working on the background and I am really pleased with it thus far. The other thing that I am doing in this arena is next week my dear friend Miranda is going to help me to update my wardrobe with clothing that really fits my body now and makes me feel good. I have avoided purchasing new clothes because of my deep desire to be smaller and now all of my clothing is ill fitting and ratty and i done care for much of any of it. Clothes shopping has always been challenging for me... not one of my favorite hobbies and I am so fortunate to have Miranda who is a master shopper not to mention fashion expert to help me on this part of my journey! So that is where the healing is at this week.

I also saw a chiropractor for the first time this week which was very enlighteneing. I have alot of upper back and neck pain which I have attributed to job stress and working at the computer. However it looks as though it can be more attributed to the way I walk and breathe. My body still functions in the "fight or flight" response because of my PTSD. I knew that my emotions were ruled by the PTSD and my hormones but had no idea that my physical movements were as well. SOOO I have 4 excercises to work with daily: deep belly breathing, tummy tucks (sucking in my tummy) Kegal excercises and striding (walking with elongated strides for 1/4 mile per day) These 4 excercises should improve my core stability and support my spine in proper alignment as well as retraining my body out of fight or flight. Very Intense!~ I go back to the chiropractor twice a week for the next two weeks and am pretty excited about all the syronicities... cool.

SO we are also finishing up the AW pretty quick here. I have been doing my morning pages on my work days, which does help with the work stress. I have pretty much abandoned the artist dates and have been using the time in my studio instead. I have stayed up on the reading every week and have done proably 50% of the tasks the past few weeks. I have gained a lot from the process and am glad that I stuck with it. I am sad that I havent been able to stay up with the blogs that I origionally did but most of my computer time was at work on the weekends and now that we are in busy season I do not have that oppurtunity as much. AND once I change jobs I won't have that opportunity at all... ah well I am doing the best that I can to keep all the balls in the air!

OKay blog time for the week is now over. I apologise for any spelling errors, I am not in the mood to go back and re read all this I just hope it is coherent. I hope yall have a wonderful week and I look forward to sharing with you again next weekend!

In love and light,
Jocelyn