OMG I am so excited about all the new fun stuff I have been doing. I have discovered the Suzi Blu community.. Love Love Love her! You can find here her http://suziblu.ning.com/ Um she pretty much rocks and the folks in the community I can only just say go explore experience and get invloved.. .AMAZING people to be found all in one convient space... spend some time in the chat room under "Love" trust me you will love it!

Progress is being made with CynicalMe. Ry and I are working on getting a launch on blogtalkradio these things take time with the hustle bustle of life but I will keep you posted here and on the cynicalme blog.. fun will abound encased in copious amounts of sarcasm!

Ok and to close for today based on one of Suzi's vids I have my first real art journal spread that I am proud of to present to you! Enjoy sending you love and healing light and creative inspiration! I hate how inept I am computer wise I can never get the stupid picture where I want it but I am living in a place of acceptance today so alas.... I accept!

How pathetically long it has been. I have procrastinated and procrastinated posting because so much has changed that I don't even feel like the same person who last posted this. In the last year I have recovered from my divorce, lost my devil cat, moved to another town into a crap apartment with a roommate..tho am really excited to have a dishwasher, started creating again, gotten into a shitload of debt, made an entirely different group of friends, changed medications :), reconnected with old friends and rejoined teamgirl! Oh and finally started CynicalMe in the form of a radio show.. AND had a series of really really fucking bad dates which you will hear all about on CynicalMe. I also became obsessed with Kate Nash and indie music, decided to only eat Italian food, managed to get my oil changed, started smoking again, broke my ankle and um I think that might be about it. Sooo... are we all caught up now?

Here is my hope: I hope to return to blogworld with my new and refreshed perspective and to stop whining like a pathetic person as evidenced by (that a shout out to my work peeps) pretty much every previous post here.

Ok that all being said I am back and now I am going to go and deal with my anxiety surrounding that and starting with my next post no more catching up just the new me pure and simple.

J

It has been over a month and I find myself drawn back to writing here. My divorce was finalized this past Thursday which I am happy and sad about. Moreover, my ex has moved onto a "serious" relationship with a woman that I know and for some reason I cannot get them out of my head. I have done my yoga and meditation and then took a nap and when I woke it was like all this oppressive energy was pushing down on me saying, "He's happy, he's loved, he's not alone... and you are..." Ugh. I am so goddamn lonely and I have no idea what I need. I spent last night on my bathroom floor in tears just begging to feel differently... begging for the pain to come to an end. I am no longer in love with Kevin, I don't want to be with him, but there is still something about how all these things have transpired that is in my heart and it feels like it is eating me alive. My therapist thinks it's depression... I'm not so sure. It is so palpable, like I am incapable of completely letting this go even though I want to and am doing everything in my power to do so. I almost feel like the butt of a very bad cosmic joke. I work, I go to class, I hang out with a few friends, I do yoga, I do art but eventually on a daily basis I experience a very real and very obvious aloneness and when I am in that aloneness, all I want is to experience a feeling of peace, but what comes to me instead is intrusive images of my ex and his new girlfriend, laughing and loving and expressing every sign of outward happiness and the images just drive me down down down....

Early Morning....


Once again another overnight shift has me up at 6am, waiting for the guys to wake up. It will be a hectic morning for sure, and a hectic day to follow with a family barbeque to contend with only five hours of interrupted sleep to hold me over. The train is going by now, it's the morning frieght and even after over a year of working here I have not gotten used to it's loudness in the early morning, the horn so disruptive.

This week was a killer. My birthday came and went and I survived is the best I can say about it. It's funny how when going through a divorce, even when you have emotionally moved on from that person the smallest of their neglects magnify to extreme proportions and seem to throw the whole healing process off kilter. When I suppose, that is what the healing process is to begin with. A balancing act, like the Tarot card Adjustment, with the woman standing balanced perfected on the tip of a sword. ... Anyway needless to say, Kevin forgot my birthday and the hurt of that still sits very deep in my heart. I am angry as hell.. another stage of the healing process which my grandmother is very fond of but at the same time, I have new soul in my life who is making things just a bit easier for me. He is kind to me and allows me to be kind to myself. This is such a volatile time that it is very comforting to know that there are still some men in the world who are very present and aware....

that's all for now, steeped in mystery I know.... starting to think about Just Be in October, only 2 months away now, are any of you lovelies attending??

In love and light,
Jocelyn

Friday …Friday, oh the drama that has ensued this week. I suppose that anytime there is a divorce on the table there is drama, but this seems ridiculous. I spent one night this week in the ER comforting my ex as he was diagnosed with some weird infection only for him to turn around and be his same old moody self the next day. AND THEN (and here is the big one people) I had an endoscopy yesterday where they took 8 biopisis of my stomach and esophagus and Kevin decided that while I was sedated and in the recovery room he would ask me if I was okay with him asking someone out on a date…. Are you fucking kidding me? What an ass! SO I asked him to go wait in the waiting room and later in the day when I was feeling better I told him that I needed space from him, that I didn’t feel he knew how to talk to or treat me appropriately and until he figured out how to do that I didn’t want him around. Oh an in all the conversation it turned out he really has already asked this girl out and she is only 20 years old… smart move on his part and I am sure this will be great for his sobriety (I say with my most sarcastic tone) Then he tells me this morning that he is finally getting around to filing the divorce papers today.

Wow… after all that all I am say is Thank God I am Out ! My feelings today run the gamut from rage to amusement to anxiety but all in all I just kinda feel like he can do what he wants just keep it away from me. That man is Toxic!

J

So the move was a complete disaster with a capitol D! After dealing wit a staffing crisis at work we managed to get the truck loaded up just in time for the skies to open up and release the downpour from hell. My bed took on about 10 pounds of water…. UGH My bed is like my island of safety and anxiety free zone…. Unbelievable! So now my bed is propped over the frame with fans blowing at it trying to get the damn thing to dry out and I am sleeping on a air mattress in the other room.. Wonderful way to start off a new place without my ex for the first time in 5 years wouldn’t you say?

BUT after all that drama I did manage to get a decent night of sleep and work up and am at work for the day. I am here till 4p then I need to get my car registered and then back to the very cluttered and unmanageable apartment. I can’t really unpack anything until the bed situation is taken care of as I am using rooms for things other than their original intention. Plus the bed drying process is taking up a lot of space.

The positive: I really enjoyed going out to my car this morning at 6:30 to the view of the golf course and the sun making everything so cheery. I did manage to get my bathroom set up so I am not slowed down getting to work.

Now… I need all the positive energy I can get on this bed situation .. Any advice, similar experiences ect.. My sister has a steam cleaner that I can use once it does dry out to kill anything that might be growing inside… I shudder at the thought.

Okay back to work… the other bummer, no internet at home until the end of the month so I can only post when I am at work.. Which is a little hectic.. Thank god for wireless!

Thank you to all who are offering support, I will visit each and everyone of you as time allows and my situation settles day by day.

In love and light,
J

I would say that I am slightly more positive today. I went and saw an apartment this morning which I decided to take. I will need to work a lot of extra hours to afford it but I think it is the ideal place for me to heal. It is a one bedroom but I am going to use the livingroom as my bedroom and the bedroom as an art studio. It will be the first apartment I have ever had as my own and I am filled with apprehension but excitement as well. I was very anxious about it today but now that I am back at work (doing another overnight) and I worked up a budget so I know what I am actually looking at I feel more confidence in my choice.

I am still increadibly sad as this truly marks the end of Kevin and I living together which has been a five year journey and I am sad to let it go, but this move is going to be much healthier for me. I just wish I could set aside the anxiety and the loneliness.... those are truly the pieces that are getting in my way now.

Will I date again? Will I find epic love or someone who truly truly understands me? Or am I destined to be broken and lonely? My views and perspectives on sex make me very different from most people, so I am told. It is not a very important piece to me. I have several medical issues that make it difficult and my sex drive is just low, it's just the way that I am. But I keep hearing that the only way to make a relationship work is to have a thriving sex life... while I have just lost my best friend and my marriage and I think alot of it has to do with my shortcomings in that area. I am fearful that there isn't anybody else out there like me that puts more value into my soul and my spirit, than my ability to fulfill their sexual needs. I am an amazingly complex woman with so much to offer and I just can't understand this sense of rejection I feel because I am "different" or "challenged" in this one area of life.

It makes me sad....

J